The Burning Fire Of Love, And That Of Death

Eight, Kissed

Ryan touched her lip. What the hell. She stopped pacing to look in the mirror and see if her lips had changed. They felt like they'd changed.

Maybe it was her own fault for being seventeen years old and never having been kissed. Maybe if she'd dated someone before, maybe this kiss wouldn't have mattered. But it did. And oh, how it did.

Some part of her desperately wanted to murder him and hide his body where it would never be found. She hated him, and he'd stolen the moment. Her first kiss was supposed to be magical. With someone she felt like she loved. Did she love Jason?

The thought of loving anyone other than Cole or her parents was so foreign that it gave her the ick. She couldn't love Jason. Her body was incapable of love. She couldn't even love herself, let alone an imbecile like Jason.

She did have a crush on Aiden, who was naturally also an imbecile, but she didn't love him. More of an infatuation. No, wait. She hated that word. Not infatuation. Immature teenage feelings.

Was that what she felt about Jason? Immature teenage feelings?

She snorted. Immature teenage feelings of hatred.

In fact, how dare he? She was finally just getting it out. Unloading. Telling him off, so that he'd never come back and ruin her life all over again every time he spoke. So she could finally get rid of this cause of major pain in her life.

But no. He wouldn't listen, wouldn't understand. He decided to kiss her!? What was that? Where had that come from? Nothing evenly remotely romantic had ever occurred between them. Had she been leading him on without realizing it? No, no he couldn't have been falling for her. He was too infatuated with Elliana. Now there was a good excuse to use the word infatuated. Because that was what it was. Surely it had been love once, or at least immature teenage feelings, but now it was just two people who didn't talk anymore but were incapable of moving on.

But kissing her surely had been some kind of moving on on Jason's part, right? But no, no. She was just a rebound. Should she be angry about that? No, he wasn't angry. She didn't care about him.

Then why did she feel butterflies, thinking of his lips on hers?

"Ugh!" She groaned, running her hands through her hair, considering tearing it all out. When she looked in the mirror, it was disgusting, but who cared?

Why, why, why had he kissed her? He didn't care about her!

She reminded herself with what she had since the start of a very friendless high school. She had four people who cared about her. Cole, Aiden and her parents. That was all. That was all she needed. Not Emily, not Stacy, not Elliana, and certainly not good kissing imbeciles like Jason.

Ugh!

At least Cole would never find out. He would murder her, probably with the same knife he would use on Jason. Oh, God, what would Aiden think if he found out? Would he be jealous? The thought was mildly interesting, but of course he wouldn't be jealous. He had a different girlfriend every other week, so he was probably already dating someone. He'd known her for years. If he'd wanted to make a move, he would've done it by now. He didn't like her, not like that. Not in the way she wanted, needed him too.

Ew! What was wrong with her? One kiss and she was some hopeless romantic.

She was too conflicted. She couldn't take it. Her mind was spinning, and then the room was spinning, and then shit.

She shook her hand furiously, hoping the feeling would go away, but it wasn't. She wasn't dealing with it, not today. Too much other stuff to deal with. She shakily moved towards her dresser, grabbing her phone and her earbuds. She shuffled her favorite playlist, and then, before she knew it, she was dancing.