I tell myself I don't have friends because people are boring.
"People are so boring Mum. All they care about is social media."
I tell myself and my family and my friends these words because they are not true.
I lie because if I told them the truth I don't know how I would react.
I don't know if I would cry or close myself off even more than I already have.
I don't know.
The truth is I don't try.
I don't try to get to know people.
Getting close gives them power to lie.
Getting close to someone means trust which I don't hold with me.
Getting close is something I'm scared to do.
I have no one to go shopping with.
I have no one to meet up with in the middle of classes just because.
I have no one to talk to at two am.
I have no one to talk about my life with.
I don't have anyone.
I could.
I know I could.
But I'm scared.
I overthink about it.
I scare myself into thinking that I am unworthy for friendships.
I tell myself I'm better alone.
But I want it.
The three am sneak outs to get candy and chips at the gas station.
The dancing to stupid songs.
The talking on the phone before the big dates.
The every picture you see when you search up teen friendship aesthetic on Pinterest.
I wish someone would want that with me.
