If I ever have kids, I will not ever try to be my mother.
I love her I do, but after my youngest sister she changed.
She relaxed about things like YouTube and Roblox, two things she was very against when I was a kid.
My sister basically is rotting out her eyes in front of a giant screen with twenty-somethings doing "funny" stuff for followers.
My mother is always the one trying her hardest.
Meaning no one else is trying as hard as her.
I say one wrong thing and: done.
I want to be better.
I will be better.
I just have to get through now.
My mother isn't a villain.
I understand she's human.
She has flaws and she isn't perfect.
But sometimes she doesn't see.
How she buys all sorts of things for my sisters.
Makeup, clothes, gives them money.
And when she gives me a twenty dollar bill to buy something, I buy two things that costs 6 bucks.
I give the remaining cash back.
Whenever she offers to buy books she goes into how I gave her 500 dollars for flooring and how she's paying it back.
60 dollars worth of makeup for my younger sister.
She never asks my sister to pay her back.
And yet for myself she ticks off money paid back like she's drinking water.
So I will be better.
I care about how much she spends on me.
My sister will grab four things each and make her pay.
I have to be better.
Because, I don't want my child to ever feel what I'm feeling now.
Never.
I will be better.
