The Punishment Diaries

The Appeal of Spanking

"I could never imagine being aroused by spanking. What do you find appealing about it?"

I was asked this by a fellow author who writes relatively tame romance, but was directed by her publisher to spice things up a bit. They wanted a spanking scene in her book.

She reached out to me for her research, to try and understand why some people get off on it. And I'm really glad she did because spanking erotica written by someone who doesn't enjoy it can be painfully obvious to spankos. And it can negatively impact how others perceive the spanking/kink community.

I sent her a brief summary of why I enjoy it, noting that I can't speak for all, and offered to beta read her scenes. But her question lingered even after I responded and led me to a deeper reflection.

Why do I like being spanked?

Trigger warning: Self-harm, cutting

1. I like the power struggle. And I like to lose.

I've discussed this a few times before in The Brat Diaries and other writings, so I'm not going to get too deep into this point. But I suspect that my affinity towards being forced/controlled is rooted in my religious upbringing and abstinence only sex education.

Instead of being taught to feel empowered in my own sexuality, I felt guilty for wanting any sort of sexual pleasure. It felt wrong and sinful. And I do think that this had a role in the development of my kinks; as a way to exercise my own sexual agency after years of being taught that I wasn't allowed to say yes.

2. Masochist Meditation

Masochism isn't a kink that I picked out of a hat one day to try out—it's been with me for a long time.

The earliest memory I have of using pain as a coping mechanism is from when I was around 4 years old. I was hysterically crying and I don't remember why, but I remember hiding under the covers and pinching myself until I calmed down and fell asleep.

My masochism manifested in many ways as I grew up—pinching, scratching, hair-pulling, sitting on legos, clipping clothespins on myself, self-spanking if no one was home to hear, one god-awful experiment with Icy Hot, and then cutting.

I cut myself for the first time when I was 11 years old, and I vividly remember the euphoria I felt from dragging the razor across my thigh. The way it cut directly into the heaviness in my chest, freeing me from the weight of my looping negative thoughts. I became addicted to the feeling.

I cut habitually until I was about 16, and then I found another outlet. Enter the abusive boyfriend phase of my life. My lowest point. When I finally got out, I blamed myself. I blamed my masochism. It took me years to heal and learn how to engage with my masochism safely.

And then came Wrex.

The man who didn't touch me for a full year after we met because he knew how uncomfortable I felt around men. He taught me how to trust again. And we built the dynamic we have on years of vanilla foundation. Now, I can harness that euphoric feeling safely, in a controlled and caring dynamic.

We use therapeutic spanking often in our relationship; when Wrex spanks me, he's giving me a focal point. I can't spiral into an anxiety pit because each spank sends a shock wave to my brain and forces me to be present. Spanking is soothing in that way for me. It can even be euphoric. And that brings us to:

3. Subspace

The way our bodies respond to pain is a neurophysiological symphony.

The spike of adrenaline.

Flight or fight.

Forte.

The stream of endorphins lulling you into a stupefied bliss.

Legato.

The drop.

Coda.

Sometimes it's like a ton of bricks. A harsh, abrupt ending that leaves you confused and anxious. But, hopefully, with proper aftercare and communication, the drop is gentle. Like drifting down from a cloud to land in a field of pillowy grass.

4. Connection

Do you remember doing trust falls? Turning around, squeezing your eyes shut, crossing your arms over your chest, and free-falling back into your friend's arms. That feeling of elated relief as your body connects with theirs to stop the fall.

That's how I feel when Wrex spanks me. I feel connected to him. I trust him. I know that it's going to hurt, but I also know that I'm completely safe over his knee. He's not going to let me hit the ground.

5. I'm hard-wired for it

Finally—it's just how my brain works.

I can't remember a time when I didn't fantasize about spanking. Before I knew spanking porn existed, or anyone else liked it, I used to look up the word "spanking" and all of it's synonyms in the dictionary in private. I'd use my Bible concordance to find all the stories that mentioned punishment.

I have no clue what awakened the obsession or why. It feels like it's part of my biology, like I don't have a choice. Spanking is what turns me on and there's nothing I can do about it short of a lobotomy—maybe.

We can speculate on the why, insert a Freud quote, pin it on daddy issues, etc.

But does it matter?

I know what I like and I've found a healthy and enjoyable way to engage with my kink.

I've accepted this part of me and I don't need to obsess over why I am the way I am anymore.

I just am.