Ashtray -Angel Dust Angst

Chapter 17

I can't remember which one is which so prepare for lemon or lime.

Husk's Pov:

The next day we got rid of the bar. I'll admit, I was having second thoughts. I haven't been sober since junior high. Angel and I went downstairs and I stared at the empty space where the bar used to be and felt a part of me missing.

"Hey, you good?" He asked brushing my hand with his. I thought about it before I said anything. It was hard to concentrate. "I think so. I just feel empty." He held my hand tighter. "I know. I was thinking the same thing".

"So how do we even do this?" I asked him. "I mean you made it a month, how'd you do that?". He looked embarrassed for a moment. "Being literally physically forced to stay in the hotel where I couldn't get drugs." I stared intently at the missing bar. I don't know if I can even do this.

Angel tightened his grip on my hand. I squeezed it back matching the strength. My eyes darted around the room. I would kill for a drink right now. He dug his nails into the palm of my hand. "Ow," I said quietly. "What was that about?"

"Distraction. Speaking of that let's go do something. I can't keep staring like this. Charlie said doing nothing makes you want to do drugs. I thought she was full of shit but she's right." He said.

We ended up going to watch a movie. I didn't like it that much, but I forced myself to listen to every word, and refused to up from the screen. I couldn't stop thinking about drinking. I would do anything for some booze right now, I don't even care what it is. The bar scene definitely didn't help.

I wanted to leave and never come back. But I knew if I did I would buy booze. So I stayed in the seat. This has never been an issue for me. If I wanted a drink I could just have one. I didn't care about myself, if didn't matter if I lived or died. But I'm not alone anymore. I can't abandon this life we made. I can't abandon the person that makes me happiest.

Angel looked at me and I think he could tell I was stressed. He put his hand on top of mine and mouthed "We can step out if you want. This movie fucking sucks".  I nodded thankfully and we walked out.

We took a walk around the block. The air was cold and crisp. My head hurt. "Do you want to go back to the hotel?" Angel asked. "I don't know." He brushed my hand with his. "Do you want to just keep walking?" "I don't know," I answered. We sat down on a bench. He wrapped his arms around me. I felt broken. We sat in silence.

"Angel I can't do this. This is too hard. I'm sorry." I said. I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. Im such a fucking hypocrite. Angel looked at me with a mix of disappointment and sadness. "What do you mean you can't do it? You are doing it. You haven't drank in 2 days."

My heart sank. "Barely." He took my hands in his. "Look, I can't force you to do anything. But if I can do it, anyone can. I'm not giving up on you. You stuck with me, I'm sticking with you."

I felt loved. It was weird. I half rejected the idea, because it scared the shit out of me. But I was willing to be scared for this guy. And I think that's what love is about. Being willing, not eager.

I kissed him with passion I hadn't felt before. We sank into each other, our bodies merging into one. He kissed back and put his arms around me. I leaned into him and kissed his neck. "I love you." He put his hand on the side of my face. "I love you too idiot." We made love on the bench without a care in the world. It was just us in hell for all we knew. Life was simple and easy.

FOR THE ORIGINAL ENDING, CONTINUE ON. FOR THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING, SKIP TO CHAPTER 23
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We returned to the hotel at some point after dark giggling. Charlie and Vaggie looked at us confused as hell but who cares. We went to my room and just laid on the bed. We lied there in absolute silence but somehow we were having entire conversations. I could hear every thought he was thinking and I'm pretty sure he could hear me. This is happiness. It's not ideal, but it's alright. It's simple.

I couldn't help but think about when it's over. Every good thing ends eventually. I wanted to hold onto this forever and never ever let go. I felt like I was on top of the world. But if you fall from the top of the world you'll crash and burn and never come back.

I dreaded the fall. I thought about how much it would hurt. I mean anything could happen. I'll probably drink again soon. That's gonna suck. And if that happens we might fix it, but when it happens again probably not. I don't want this to hurt like that. Not again.

I sat up, seemingly breaking our connection. "Hey you okay?" Angel asked. I couldn't say anything. There was no good thing to say. I stood up and walked out of the room.

My brain hurt. I stood in the hotel lobby staring at the empty place. Parts of me were missing. I could feel it. It ate away at me. Angel came half speed walking slowly towards me. "What happened? Are you okay?" He asked with uncertainty in his voice.

He stood a distance away from me. The physical space between us hurt every part of me. I wanted to run back to him and hug him and never let go and give up every care in the world. But I can't do that. I'm not gonna let myself get to the top of the world. I have to break my fall.

I realized that I had been in my thoughts for a good minute and forgot to answer. I felt paralyzed. My mind searched for the right thing to say. I didn't want to hurt him but I couldn't allow myself to get so high I can't come down.

Unable to figure out anything productive to say I decided to keep my mouth shut. I bit the inside of my mouth to keep silent. I faintly tasted blood. "Husk." He said. "Talk to me." I took a step toward the door. He stayed where he was. I turned away from him. I couldn't look at him.

"Please just talk to me." He said. I stepped multiple feet away from him. He took half a step towards me. "What did I do wrong!? Everything was fine 10 minutes ago. I thought we were having a good time. Please just tell me what I did wrong." I could tell by his voice he was starting to panic. I love him and all but he's fucking stupid. He needs to disconnect himself from this too. He's gonna fall and never get back up. I'm doing us both a favor.

I thought about what the next step is. I need to leave this hotel. There's too many things here. Too much bad, too much good. I gathered my thoughts and walked out the door. Angel started to follow but stopped a couple yards away from the door. "Why are you leaving?? I'm sorry for whatever I did just come back."

I can't go back. I can't even if I want to. I wish he would stop talking. I hate hearing that voice. The voice of the person I want most, the person I can't have. He walked out and started walking after me. When he caught up to me he grabbed my hands. "Don't leave. Please."

Anger rose in me. Why won't he leave me alone?! This is harder for me than it is for him. I'm doing us both a favor. "Just stop!" I grumbled and continued walking faster. He kept trailing after me. "Why are you doing this? Don't you care at all?"

"I DO CARE!" I yelled. He retreated his hands and stepped several feet away from me. I could see fear in the back of his eyes. He backed away cautiously keeping his eyes fixed on me and then ran into the hotel.

I realized where I had messed up. He's been yelled at a million times. I probably scared him. Feeling somewhat bad, I forced myself to keep walking.