For Me And You

starvation

Todays pick:

Melanie Martinez ~ Orange juice

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Eversince i was a kid, i was always told not to eat as much as i did, cuz otherwise i would become even more fat. Well, at that time, it didnt really hit me but now that im close to becoming an adult i think about thosemoments more often.

Im not saying that im fat. I probably cant even be called chubby, but those words come to my head nowdays very often.

I have a partner right now, and weve been together for almost 2 years now and when we got together i forgot about these kind of things, but now, that im struggling with mental health things i tend to think about loosing weight.

I was a child when i first heard kind of things like:

You should eat that much, youre gonna look like your grandma

Or

I can see that your pants are getting too tight on your thights sweetie, dont you think you need to loose some weight?

I was about 8-9 years old at that time. A child. So of course i didnt really pay attentention to any of those words,but now, that i can see that my jeans are getting more tight on my thighs and i cant just ignore it. I cant accept the fact that my body changes and im growing out of things. Is that really a bad thing? Why should i worry about loosing weight, when im perfectly healthy?

I dont really eat that much nowdays. I drink a lot of water and try to not pay attention of my empty stomach,but i know that it shouldnt be like that. And when somebody notices it, i just say that i forgot to eat, or that im not hungry. While in reality the only thing i ate in the last 3 days was some cucumber and some plain pasta. Thats it. And i feel guilty that i ate. I feel like i dont deserve it, because if i really wanted to loose weight i shouldnt eat that much, even though i barely eat anything. But at the end of the day when i step on the scale and see that i lost 0.5kg im happy and the next day i cant get myself to eat, when i lost weight while not eating.

I know that its wrong. I know that eventually it will backfire on me, cuz ive been trough this not once. But i still cant stop cuz it feels good. I feel proud of myself when i see that im not bloated and i have a flat stomach.

Also i train in my room for about 45 minutes in a day. I wouldnt say this to anyone, cuz im ashamed of the fact that im not impressed with my body, so i do it when its quiet and noone can hear how exhausted i am. I also dont talk about this to my boyfriend. There was a time around when we got together and i was in a really bad relationship with my body and i didnt eat for days. But of course it backfired. I was in scool and my hands started to shake and when i got up after class was over i lost my balance and couldnt stand up for about 15 minutes. Thankfully i had friends who worried about me, and wouldnt let this slide without an explanation. So since then, its a very serious topic with them, and theyre watching if i eat or not. Of course i can lie,and i do that but there are times, when were in class and my stomach growles loudly i cant say that im not hungry. And they wont let me,until i eat in front of them.

But of course that cahnged too, but thats a different topic to talk about.

So the problem right now is that i compare myself to those perfect girls and i want to be one of them. And here comes the question:
Why do you want to be different when you already have a partner who loves you for who you are?
Well, i find this very interesting, because i dont know. Of course he tells me a million times that im perfect for him, but that doesnt change what i see in the mirror. And in the last few years, i learned that the only thing that matters is what you think about yourself, not what others think. Cuz how could someone like you, for someone whos not really you? I live by this mentality, but the only problem is, when your freinds only say nice things about you, but you cant see it.
So your mentality, what you thought would be the best for you, eats you from inside. Cuz everybody accepted you, but you cant do that to yourself.
And at this point, even if they try to change your perspectives, you just cant listen to them, cuz you believe that the only opinion that matters is your opinion.

Thats fucked up.
And i cant do anything about it.
But i know that it will go away eventually, but right now it is just lingering in my brain and i cant stop thinking.

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Hi there!
So this would be the first part of this book. I know that it probably doesnt make any sense to any of you,cuz i cant really express how i feel, and i dont really know how to explain, but for me, it felt nice to write about it.

And also, you should know that im not writing this because i want attention or anything like that. I just want to ease myself, and this helps, but at the same time, i tought that it wouldnt hurt if i shared this with this app.

So as long as youre comfortable with it, you are very welcome, to say what you want to say,to ease at yourself too. Hope you have a good night/day darling!♡♡