For Me And You

sh

Todays pick:

☆☆☆☆ Alec Benjamin- I sent my Therapist to Therapy☆☆☆☆

_____________________
I don't hurt myself because i want to die, no. I really dont want to die. I just dont want to live.

A few years ago, when i started to really mature and my childhood traumas kicked in in my head, the first thing i reached for was sh. I know, it's dumb. I didn't really think it trough. I was just really suffering. I was maybe around 12 years old, when i first did it. I was in too much pain mentally. I went to school then i cameback home and just cried. Everyday. I had a lot on my mind even when i was a child. I grew up, feeling like i was never enough. I was told that im not enough. And i was a child. At that age, i didn't understand a lot of things, but i felt the pain inside of me. And eversince i was born, i was thought to shut up, tonever talk about how i feel. And nobody explained feelings for me, nobody cared for my feelings, so i needed something to help myself feel better. And since i was a dumb kid, who knew shit about anything in life, i reached for a good old razor.

And oh boy, did i fuck my life up.

When i was a child and i felt down for some reason, i tried to talk to my parents, but they just laughed at me or just told me to shut up, because noone cares. My dad just recently told me how proud he was, when we were children and wanted to talk about something he just looked at us and we shut the f up and he saw how scared we were on our faces. I cant remember shit about my relationship whit my family when we were kids, but that doesnt sound like a great one. And what was i supposed to say? Congratulations, now you really became someone in life? And they wonder why i never talk to them now. Funny.
But my childhood was a whole mess, now that i understand these type of things, its hard to talk about everything, but i do understand why am i like this right now.

Anyways, back to what i was saying. I started to hurt myself when i was 12. I just wanted relief from the pain inside and the outside pain seemed like a great uopportunity for that. I didnt think that it was a problem, it helped didnt it? So i just did it, and it helped for a short period of time. But after some times,it wasnt enough, so i started to do it more often. I think i was 14, when it became so much of an addiction that i did it every single day. And then i couldnt hide it anymore. My friends saw it, and i had to stop. I remember the time, when my best friend found out. She cried to her mother that she doesnt want me to die. It was so fucking heartbreaking. And why did that happen? Because im mentally unstable.My family? I dont think that they know about, but even if they do, i dont think they would care.
And of course i had thoughts about dying too. Hell it would be great not having to exist. I am sick and tired of the stress and anxeity and my own thoughts. But i just cant go.
But yeah, i had to stop hurting myself. Of course i didnt go as smooth, but i was able to fully stop after maybe 6 months. But it wasnt that easy. I still thought about it from time to time, and i relapsed a few times, but i think that i could say, that i became fully clean at 16 and then i met my boyfriend. And it was so easy at that time not to hurt myself. Of course i had thoughts, but i never actually did it.

Today, im 18 and im back at it again. Im trying so hard, but i just cant actually stop. I could blame my 12 year old self for being so stupid, not realizing that i started an addiction, but i just cant. I was a child, i didnt have anyone to rely on and i had so much problems. I really want to hug the old me, and tell myself that its okey to feel down, its okay to cry, its okey not to be okay. But i cant and now i cant care for myself. I dont care what happens to me. In the last 3 months, when even my razor couldnt help, the only thing that calmed me was dying. I am praying to God to just let me go easily.

I dont want to kill myself, no. My friends, my family and my boyfriend would be hurt, i dont want that, im already hurting them enough by existing. But i wouldnt be mad if a car would hit me.

But i am really tired of being tired. Im really trying to move on, but i cant. I have an appointment for myfirst tattoo in a week. Im gonna get a semicolon. Ive been wanting to get it for 5 years now and i just cant wait. I know that its childish, but i really hope that its gonna help.

I have been going trough so much shit inmy life. And nobody ever understood me, they never even tried. I read a lot of fanfictions, mostly abput these type of things and i read one, where one of them had depression and i the other one actually read about how to treat someone whit mental illnesses. And i am so fucking jelaous. I want that too. But in real life, when i teel someone that i think i have depression, they think that im joking and they just tell me that it will be okey. But fuck i am stuggeling to stay alive. Its so fucking hard, not to just isolate myself from everyone and just die. And sometimes im really close to doing so. And they just dont give a fuck.

I want help, i cant stop this alone, ive been trying for about 5 years. But i cant talk to my parents, how could i, when even when im sick, even when i have a high fever, even if i throw up, they make me go to school. How could i talk to them about this, when if i cry in front of them, they just tell me to shut up, or they will give me a reason to cry. And people expect me to talk about depression to my parents. Funny.

But i am trying my best. And as i said already, im gonna get the semicolon tattoo,not just for myself. I had a friend who suffered from depression. We only met online, and tge last massege i got from her was a goodbye massege. Ive never heard from her again. I dont know for sure, if she did it, but i also want to get the tattoo for her, so she knows that someone will remember her as long as im alive.

________________________

Hi beautifuls!
I dont really want to talk about this thing abymore, but i want all of you to know, that you are not alone. If you need help and youre in a situation where you can speak up, dont be scared to do so.
I am too much of a coward to do so, but please, i care for you, and if you want to talk, im always here.
Love you guys! ♡♡♡