For Me And You

they wouldn't get it pt.2

Today's pick:
°°°°The Goo Goo Dolls -Iris °°°°

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Im so fucked up. I have a boyfriend and im still not a girlfriend. Does that make any sense? Let me explain.

So as i said in the last part, everytime i feel sad or just even tired i push everyone away. Even my boyfriend. And i do that because i feel like i dont deserve him i dont deserve his love. And hes the type of person who thinks that everything is his fault. And everytime i push him away, because i dont want to hurt him, at the end its always the same.
He says sorry a million times. And i feel even more bad, cuz he doesnt even know what hes apologizing for, cuz i cant fucking explain.

I tried to. I tried to explain, i tried to warn him that in those times he shouldnt talk to me because at the and he will be seen as the bad person. And i dont want that. But hes feeling bad, hes sad because i cant fucking control my feelings.

And you know how fucking much does it hurt, when youre just barely alive and the person who youre expecting support from needs the support exactly because youre sad. And i cant fucking do that. I cant pretend anymore that imnot mad. I am. I am so fucking mad, cuz i should be getting support,not giving it.

I was the one in my whole life who supported everyone and never asjed for anything in return. I even had a best friend for 9 years andi always, always supported her in every dumb decisions of hers. I listened to her, i help her every fucking day,and when i needed help, i was so fucking low and never got it.
"I get it that ypu wanted to kill yourself, but i went trough the same. You see..."
And i could never ever finish what i wanted to say. Cuz it was always about her. It was always her.

And now, that i was finally able to let it go i just wanted someone to do the same for me. Cuz i still act like that, but i tought that maybe with a boyfriend it would change and im not just gonna be the one who listens, but also the one who talks.
But of course its not like that.

And i can feel that theyre judgeing me. His friends. Theyre saying that i shouldnt be so bad to him. I know that im bad but what the fuck am i supposed to do. I need help. I need HIS help but im not getting it and i just dont know i feel like shit. Am i really that bad? Am i really thebad guy? Fuck i dont even know what im saying.

Im tought about breaking up with him a million times, sometimes i still do. Cuz he doesnt deserve to be sad.i know that hes trying his best, he just doesnt understands it. But i know that hes trying but still hes so fucking sad because he cant help me. But i dont even know what i expect from him so i dont know. And i know that hes also suffering because of me but i dont know what would hurt him more, if this continues or if i break up with him.

I know it would hurt me so fucking badly but they said that if you love someone you need to let them go. I never believed in that until now. Cuz its a thing that im hurt, i got really used to it, ive been like this for a long time. But hurting the one i love the most is just a different kind of thing. I dont want to.

And hes not even realizing that hes hurt like he really doesnt. He just loves me and from then on nothing else matters to him. Even if i make him cry. Even if i cant talk to him for days except for the "good morning" and "good night"s. I dont want to be like this actually i just dont want to be generally. But he wants me. He wants me so bad he could throw out everything else from his life just for me. And i cant even get up from bed for him when he wants to go out.

I know that im bad for him, i know that its toxic, but i dont think that im ready for hurting him even more. I imagined breaking up with him a few times. And i know it would hurt him like never befor. But at least he would get over it after some time. He could move on, and have a nontoxic relationship. He would be happy. Nd theres nothing that i want more then seeing him happy. But nowdays its rare.

Im sorry.

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Hello dear!
Maybe this chapter was a bit too personal for anyone to feel the sameway, but i really wanted to talk about this.
But still, if you want to talk about anything or just want to let go of some things, be comfortable to do so!!
Love you guys♡♡♡