His cold eyes held me still.
"N-Nasasaktan ako..." I wriggled my hands away.
Atsaka pa lamang ako binitiwan ni Dante, animo'y napapaso. He cursed quietly.
Isang hininga ko lang ay pumatak na ang mga luha ko.
Dante stepped away fast, too fast, and then shut his eyes tight.
Parang may lumukob na mainit na kamao sa puso ko. It didn't feel any good at all. It suffocated me.
"Magpapahinga na ako..." My voice came out raspy and cold.
Almost immediately, Dante opened his eyes and searched for me. Felt like they were scared I'd disappeard, felt like they were too hopeful... Yet backed down instantly when they landed on my indifferent ones.
"Seph, I'm sorry-
"It's fine. G-Goodnight, Dante..."
Hindi na ako lumingon pa. Pumasok na lamang ako sa kwarto at sa naghihintay na mga rosas. Like them, my tears were long forgotten.
Kinabukasan, maaga akong nagising pero wala na kaagad si Dante. I know when he's left the premises of our home even if he always tries being quiet to do that. Hindi na rin naman ako makatulog at hinintay na lamang ang pagsikat ng araw.
Saturday.
I didn't know what to do during these days. Minsan, naririto si Dante pero madalas ay wala gaya ngayon. Though I had a hunch it had something to do last night.
Bumuntong-hininga ako habang inaayos ang mga pinamili niya. The perfumes, I put in my vanity. The clothes, in my already full walk-in closet.
Napanguso ako. Kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko, marami pa rin namang nagbibigay ng regalo sa akin noon pero nang si Dante na ang nagbibigay, hindi ko na sila mapansin. His giving gifts was in another level that the others didn't make the cut.
Ngayon, ang problema ko naman ay paano sila bubuksan isa-isa. Sometimes I thought of giving them away to charity but I wasn't that heartless. I still appreciate the effort he's trying to give... just to make this marriage work. Even if it was the language he only knew.
Sunday.
Nakaupo ako sa living room, nakataas ang dalawang paa sa sofa at nagsusulat sa isang notebook. Kanina pa ayaw mag-brainstorm ng utak ko para sa nalalapit na Mothers' day.
Maybe... because Dante hasn't texted yet? That he's already landed to wherever place he went?
Or... baka kasama niya ulit si Sabrina?
Umirap ako sa ere. Thinking how I reacted that night made me angry at myself. Nakakahiya...
Umiyak-iyak pa ako!
But then again, the emotion might not have been so foreign in my heart, it was foreign in this household. In this slow, quiet, almost barren household. So when an emotion that big and soul-crushing entered, it wouldn't react so welcoming, would it?
Wala na rin akong magagawa. Nangyari na. Siguro nga, nasa akin ang problema. Ako ang may kasalanan. I expected. Na kahit boring ang relasyon namin ni Dante, mananatili lang itong boring at mamamatay kaming dalawang boring.
Hindi ko inasahan na pwedeng... maghanap siya - ng hindi niya ikabo-boring.
Boring ba ako?
Nalukot ang mukha ko. I knew the answer to that! So I just picked up my pen and continued the day.
Lumipad ang halos isang linggong hindi ko namamalayan. Wala namang bago sa trabaho. Except I didn't know Rene had a girlfriend na siyang sumusundo sa kaniya sa hapon sa halip na mag-single motor siya.
