I Like Myself When I'm With You

Part One

"Happy Birthday, Kin!" P' Suzie, my mentor, exclaimed cheerfully as she entered the break room, walking towards the aroma of my morning brew filling the air. I leaned my body against the counter, with a genuine smile gracing my face, and a coffee mug in hand. "Let's have lunch together later okay, it's my treat!" She says invitingly, her friendly tap on my shoulder radiating a supportive gesture. Grateful, I nodded, softening up my smile in response to her.

"I really appreciate that, P'," I began speaking apologetically, carrying enough sincerity in my tone. "But I've already made plans for today and I was hoping to grab lunch with a friend," I continued, lying through my teeth with an empathetic expression on my face.

To be honest, I didn't have any plans for the day. It's not that I don't want to have any, but I had chosen not to. The last thing I wanted to do was to engage in boring morning coffee small talk, feigning normalcy on the surface when everything else inside me felt far from okay.

I am in no mood to talk to people today.

And I just didn't want to be a jerk about it.

"Aww, okay. That's okay then!" P' Suzie responded, her positive spirits visibly growing on her face. "But do let me know whenever you're free! I can treat you at any point of time in the week, no hurry," she reassured me with a comforting smile. Her extended kindness towards me shone brightly, becoming a ray of light among the other graphic design seniors at the company. She's so nice to me, and I couldn't be more grateful to have her as my mentor who is overseeing my work progress. She's like a sister that I've never had, and to be frank, I actually don't have any.

"So how's your week so far? Everything going okay?" She asked, her hands gracefully stirring the instant coffee in her mug. I shrugged my shoulders with a smile, nodding slightly to her question.

"It's been alright, so far so good," I kindly replied, masking the truth behind my cheerful exterior. As a new junior staff member who is on probation, I found myself navigating the challenges of handling all the design work for a team that wasn't the most welcoming. The team members are so snobby and unfriendly, and it pisses me off that they're the kind of people that I forcibly had to work with.

It's so annoying.

And emotionally tiring.

"Great! And how's the team? Was P' Lisa helpful?" She asked again, ears perked, seemingly interested to hear the details.

Looking up at her, I forced myself to another smile, nodding my head in a positive manner. "Yeah! She's been very helpful! So kind," I replied, my words concealing the internal frustration of dealing with P' Lisa's bossiness and selective nature, resulting in the constant rejection of my design proposals. Each design proposal I sent her way was coldly rejected within hours, making the process frustratingly tiresome. At times, I didn't even think she was genuinely checking my work. It's as if she took one quick glance at it and that's it, it's over for me and I would have to restart it from scratch, all over again. It has been so painfully tiring, and she has never let me head home early either.

What a pain.

"That's great!" P' Suzie exclaimed, her sheer happiness slicing through my tormenting thoughts about work. "I'm glad it's working out well for you. Good job, Kin! I know you're going to do so well for this project!" Her words, warm and sincere, felt like shards of glass piercing right through my chest. I wished she could glimpse the silent struggle I faced behind closed doors, seeing the true emotions that lie within me behind my fake smile. How I wished that she was my project leader instead of P' Lisa, and maybe then I wouldn't have been so miserable for the past few weeks.

Alas, one can only wish and in reality, such wishful magic doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a genie that could help me or grant me a magical wish. It is settled that P' Lisa is my mentor for the time being, and I hate it with every single will of my being.