Shatter Me

[11] What If?

"Afraid to love something that could break.

Could I move on if you were torn away?"

-All Of Me by Matt Hammit

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My thoughts were going crazy. My emotions were going crazy.

After I got home the night before, I wasn't able to sleep almost all night.

The brokenness and pain in my heart was still there. But now confusion was added on top of it. I was just so scared and confused and I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to just...oh, I didn't even know anymore. I didn't know anything.

Jason liked me. I didn't have to wonder anymore. He had made it clear. He liked me and he thought that I was beautiful. And...he wanted to help me.

I sure needed it. I needed help. Lots of help. And I needed to someone to understand me. And...it seemed like Jason did. The way he hugged me last night...it was such a secure but gentle and understanding hug.  The way he held me...letting me cry and just waiting until I was ready to talk. It made me feel good. Like I wasn't alone.

I wanted to say that I liked Jason back. But I couldn't. I didn't know. I couldn't tell if I truly liked him back. And what if I did like him back? What kind of commitment would that be? And what would that mean? For me and him?

And what if I did give him my affection? What if he let me down? Like so many others in the past. But that wasn't possible. I just knew that he wouldn't do that. That he wouldn't break me. I just knew that he was genuine unlike all the others. And that he truly cared for me. He wouldn't break my heart. He wouldn't do that to me.

But what if...?

All the questions...all the confusion...all the pain...I couldn't handle it anymore.

I needed help. And Jason wanted to help me.

What if I let him...take me out. Somewhere other than the coffee shop. For something more than studying. To have conversations deeper than the weather.

But I couldn't.

But I needed to.

Besides, if he did end up breaking my heart, it wouldn't matter. I was used to it.

But, no. He wouldn't break my heart. He cared for me. And something deep down inside of me told me that instead of breaking my heart, Jason would take all the broken pieces and put them back together. And then he would keep his hands on my heart, so that even if someone else hurt my heart...it wouldn't break.

So I should just let Jason be my friend. It couldn't hurt me anymore than I already was.

But for now, it should just stay friends. No affection more than that. And definitely no love. No...I wasn't ready for that. And I didn't think I'd ever be.

***

I was so tired the next morning at college because of not being able to sleep.

I walked up to Jason when we were on break. "Thank you." I said to him. "Thanks you for everything you said yesterday. It...really got me to thinking and...if you want to be friends with me, then...then I'll let you. I'm sorry for ignoring you and for being rude and for everything else, it's just that...well, you already know. I just wanted to say thank you. For being patient with me and for respecting me and for wanting to help me. And for being the only person who has ever cared about me. Thank you."

And it was a true Thank You. I was so grateful for all that he'd done and even though I was scared of what might happen if I let Jason in...I was pushing those thoughts back. Because having a friend felt so much more amazing then being stressed all the time.

I was still scared. But I was going to try my best to push all the doubts and the What Ifs to back of my mind.

I just didn't know if it would work.