The Mafia and Her ✔

Chapter 20 - Izan

Izan

*TW: Sexual Assault and Rape*

I feel so damn weak.

I never thought I'd ever share my fucking disgusting and disgraceful past with anyone, let alone Verena. However, she heard me in my sleep, and I couldn't just pretend like it didn't happen. 

I thought I would feel forced or obliged to tell her, but I felt comfortable around her and knew she would never judge me. She told me about her abusers, so it was only fair I told her about mine. 

"I was ten when it first happened," I began, and she looked at me with her captivating blue eyes, listening and not blinking. Her small mouth was slightly agape, making her plump lips look so full and... 

"You can blink, Vera."

"Sorry," she muttered and blinked rapidly, trying to regain the normal blinking rhythm. "I feel like I'd miss a word or two if I blinked. Now that I've said it out loud, it sounds so stupid. Keep going." I shook my head at her usual weird chain of thoughts. Only she would say things like this and sound logical at the same time.

I sighed and said, "I was in fourth grade when I got my first detention. Growing up, I was an angry child because I used to hang out with Papa's men, and they were violent, not to me, but in general. So naturally, I adopted some of their personality traits and started acting out. My teachers didn't appreciate me talking back in class or cussing, so one of them sent me to detention after school. The teacher in charge at the time was a substitute teacher. He didn't care if I finished my homework, ate, or slept."

"I already don't like this teacher," she commented, feeling where I was going with this. 

It was shameful and painful to remember what happened, but it was time I shared it. I couldn't just keep this memory locked at the back of my mind. It shaped me, and I wasn't ashamed of who I had become after it.

"I thought I could sleep in peace during detention hours, and I did so until one day... everything changed." I envisioned the words running along my chain of thoughts before I said them and hoped for the best. 

"When I was sleeping, I felt a hand crawl up on me, so I snapped awake from my nap and froze at the sight. The sub-teacher was touching my knees in an inappropriate way. Then, knees turned to thighs. Thighs to waist. Waist to chest. Inevitably, chest to my private area. I didn't know what was happening since I was only ten back then, but I knew I didn't like his hands on me... or in me..."

Vera's eyes widened when I said the last two words. "Ese asqueroso hijo de puta," she yelled while looking for something to break, but when she realized I wasn't letting go of her, she settled with a groan. I was caught off guard because she never cursed before. It made me happy. [That disgusting son of a bitch.]

I cupped her cheeks and buried her face in my chest. After a second of taking deep breaths, she calmed down, allowing me to continue. "Unfortunately, he didn't just use his hands." She gasped. 

"With each detention I received despite my good behavior in class, the sub teacher would use a different tool until he raped me." I got quiet, feeling liberated for the first time in twenty years.

Being a Mafia leader required the firmest and toughest attitude toward the outside world, but it felt nice to let my guard down around someone. Around her.

"I realized that he raped me when I searched on the internet. I was too scared to say something... or maybe too ashamed? I don't really know why I kept quiet about this. I should have asked for help."