Deviant Desires

Chapter-4

Aarini's POV

Winter, throughout the course of literature, has signified death, sorrow and sadness.

For me, however, winters are magnificent. The frosty winds and melancholic lullaby of the city, has always charmed me. The city, as it feels, breathes through the late months of the year. The mornings are frigid, giving way to afternoons bustling with tourists and nights set in a little too early, where one has to navigate their ways as if through fog cladded caves.

I love the low-saturation glow of dawn and the mist of dusk. I absolutely adore the fog sticking to my favourite café's window as I sip onto hot cocoa and lose myself in timeless books.

I have always loved these little things but I happen to appreciate them more, especially after my near experience with death.

It has been two months since that night. Two months since I finally learnt who I was.

After waking up the next day, I found myself to be in perfect condition of being alive. Samta and Adarsh were already present in my room. Samta had her face buried in my shoulders and Adarsh had tears in his eyes. As happy as I was to see them, I hadn't feel a single shred of relief that anyone in my position should've felt.

I left their place that afternoon to go back to mine. And that is when everything hit me.

It hit me so hard that the weight of it was enough to knock me out. Because what I saw, the moment I entered my house, was the smiling face of my Nana ji and Nani ji.

The second I crossed the threshold, my cousin, Devika, embraced me and Nani asked me to sit down for breakfast. They had no clue as to what went down. For all they knew was that I went to a party at Seth's which turned into a four day stay.

I sat there whilst my Nani ji served me her hand-made ladoos and khakras and Nana ji talked about his usual day; Devika laughed about something and the workers went around the haveli doing their chores. The joyous air sank deep in my heart and morbidity of reality sunk its claws within me.

The love in my Nani Ji's eyes for me held me paralysed and I was left to wonder what would have happened if these people  were to find that their granddaughter, who went to mere party was to never return again?

The promises I made to them, washed over me like a tsunami. The places I had always wanted to show them. Their dreams that I wanted to full-fill. The way I had to make them proud. All of it and much more rang in my head.

Their evident heartbreak was my undoing. That day I broke down like I never had. I cried like I never had. In fact, it was the first time that I cried in about five years.

The grave reality of what could've happened, settled deep within my bones and the numbness from before faded to give a way to excruciating heart ache. I cried and cried until my tears ran dry and my eyes were swollen.

That night, his words rang out in my head like a chant. He was right, I was scared to hope. He was right, I pretended to be a pessimist. He was right, I had the right to ask for myself. And he was so right, when he said that all I had to do was ask.

Since two months, I thanked Shri Krishna everyday for sending the man who saved me.

That night, was enough for me to change my habits of a lifetime. That was when I promised myself to stop being a people pleaser and do a little more for what made me happy.

Of course, the change did not come overnight but as I breathed in the salty air of Jal Mahal, at this moment, I felt free. An unknown weight from before had been lifted off from my shoulders.