Harry's pov:
"Proving it." He said to me before placing his hands on his cheeks, I could feel a rose color spreading under his fingertips. The room is spinning, my stomach is flipping, my heart is pounding, and Louis hands are shaking, but he doesn't seem to care, because I smiled, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I'd be okay, because I was with him. A smile spreads across my face, before Louis close the distance and it's like all of the air has been put back into my lungs, I feel like I can finally breathe, Suddenly everything made sense. Everything that happened in the past had to happen in order for us to get here. Without thought I place my hands on his waist and the room stops spinning, my ears stop ringing, and it isn't long before we break apart, and for the first time in a long time I feel like everything is going to be okay, I look down to Louis and see him smiling up at me.
~~~ (2 weeks later)
I'd just left Louis room, as I had done nearly every night since that day, as I'm about to walk back into my room I notice the door slightly ajar, I open it fully to reveal my father sitting on my bed, my note book in hand.
"Fathe-" I go to say before being cut off quickly
"And just like that, the empty space inside of me that had been plaguing my mind for what had seemed like forever... was finally filling, I like this Harry but I'd like it more if it wasn't so fucking queer" my father spat out. I couldn't even look at him, all I could do was look at the ground and hope it would swallow me whole, giving me a way out I so desperately want.
"Look at me when I speak to you Harry!" He demands standing up and walking towards me grabbing my face with his hands, if only he knew Louis hands were just in the same place, he'd feel sick. And that's when I decided, I don't have to put up with this anymore I don't have to hide in the shadows I don't need to be afraid, because I have Louis, and that's all I need.
"Okay father if you want to go there let's go there, for years I have denied myself of happiness, I have let myself believe I deserved the abuse you have given me" I growl at him, throwing his hand off me and standing up tall looking down to him, slowly pushing him back away from me.
"I'll always tried to understand you father,I tried so desperately to punish myself for letting you down, for 'killing' you with my lifestyle choices, I have put myself through physical and emotional pain because you let me believe I deserved it,I used to lock myself in my bedroom when I was 15 father 15! And cover my body in scars just to keep me here another day. And I believed you would turn around some day and apologise for what you put me through every single day but you never did. So I listened to the words you would spit at me, I let myself drown in alcohol and drugs and pain because i thought it would drown out the demons you forced into my mind, I thought it would get rid of the scars and the bruises, but it is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind, and you did this to me father, all because I'm gay?"
"Harr-
"NO" I scream at him, "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE LISTEN TO ME" tears poor out of my eyes and for once I don't hide my face, I don't run out of the room. I push my father back onto my bed and stare at him, searching his eyes for a single sign of remorse, but there's nothing there, there's just this look on his face, he looks disgusted and angry and hurt? He looks hurt?
"You know what I've realised after all this time I finally realized that my demons weren't just demons; they were scattered memories of how much you actually despised me, for years I put myself through hell for you,and you've never once turned to me and said 'thank you Harry,I'm proud of you' I can't even remember the last time you told me you loved me father" the adrenaline leaving me as quickly as it came, It felt like every negative emotion that I have ever left in my entire life came crashing into me, send a shiver down my spine.
"You disgusting little faggot, everything I did was for you Harry! For your future, for our country's future. Every opportunity I gave you, you threw it down the drain. You fucking little faggot, you deserve everything you have been through.if you choose to live your life this disgusting unforgiving way go ahead,but I do not want a QUEER running my country. You disgust me"my father screams at me before standing up and punching me square in the face, knocking me down and storming out of my room.
All of the air that Louis once filled my lungs with has been stolen from me, I feel like I'm drowning, all of the sunshine that was recently added into my life has been broken,my whole body feels battered and bruised.
"He's right" I breathe out, letting my lungs deflate, tears fall down my cheeks.
I grab 'eighteen years' and my pen, and begin to scribble out the first thing that comes to mind.
Louis,
when I was younger I used to write my name in the sand and my childhood brain used to believe it would be there forever,now that I'm older when I think about it,I realise my father is just like that tide,washing away all of my childhood memories and covering them in sand making me uncomfortable and trapped under his grip,just like the tide did to my name now I'm older I know in reality the tide would was over it and it would be gone forever, and now that my fathers words have sunk into my skin,stinging me like a thousand paper cuts, I've excerpted the fact my father is washing me away, and covering me in sand just like the tide. The problem with ocean is that no matter where you go to escape it, it's always going to be there. I've excepted that now, we both know this isn't about the ocean. Anyway do you remember the first time we met? We were 5 and we instantly clicked. We made a mess in the grand hall and ran away from our parents and hid afterwards. When we were 16 I told you that I loved you, and I meant it,no I mean it. I always have, i told you i would hurt you but you wouldn't listen, but now that I'm gone you'll realise that I was right, I'm sorry if I'm hurting you i just can't be stuck in a place where the only source of sunlight in my life has to hide in the shadows with me, our family's will tell the world we were best friends, history will call us best buddies, but ill always call you mine even if I can't say the words aloud. please don't miss what we had I can promise you I am not worth it Lou.Words cannot express how much you mean to me you have saved my life a numerous amount of times and I can not thank you enough for that, your kindness and your love has kept me going for years even when I didn't believe it was reciprocated, i hope you can forgive me for this I never ever want to cause you pain or suffering but I know this will hurt, it's bound to hurt. There hasn't been a time in my life when I have woken up and not wanted to die, I know we were never meant to be, I used to believe we were, I used to believe we could beat all of the odds but now I know we can't, and yet, I can't stop thinking that if we just met in a different life maybe things could have been different. I'm sorry Louis. I'll always love you.
You'll Always be in my heart Louis Tomlinson
- H x
I scribble down the last letter, placing the book on the side table before quickly opening my bathroom door and locking it behind me, I grab a bottle of pills I have underneath my sink and tip the bottle back into my mouth, chasing the pills down with a bottle of vodka. I grab a lipstick I found under the sink and write on the mirror 'I QUIT' in capital letters. As I feel my eyes become heavy with sleep, I've never felt more at peace with a decision in my life. I let my eyes flutter closed as I head knocking at my door.
"Harry, are you okay love I heard shouting, what's going on is this about the merge?"
"Lou-" I manage to force out of my closing throat.
"H, I'm coming in okay"
And that's the last thing I hear before my eyes involuntarily close.
Surrounding me with darkness, and suddenly I can't hear the voices In my head anymore. I'm free
~~~
