Warp Pipes to Nowhere - A Detective Shy Guy Mystery

Chapter 1

Everyone wants to know why I wear the mask. I'm not afraid to show who am I underneath, it's just —

No. No, no. That's a story for another time. A good detective doesn't make a case about himself, and I'm a good detective. The best in the Mushroom Kingdom. At least, that's what the blinking neon sign says above my door.

The sound of knuckles rapping hard on wood pulled me out of a daydream, the kind you don't want to leave. A dream of white sand beaches, the hustle of New Donk city, maybe even the view from the surface of the moon. But bam, bam, bam, and I was right back to the sewers, where the bloopers run free and the sound of knuckles on wood only ever means one thing.

Somebody has a problem, and they need my help finding the solution.

I walked over to the door, opened it, and found myself looking up at someone I never expected to meet. Even without the crown, she was easy enough to recognize. She wore a pink dress but did her best to hide it under an oversized camel-colored coat. Her best wasn't good enough.

I gestured for her to take a seat. She glanced over her shoulder and then hurried in. I closed the door behind her, walked back to my desk, climbed the pile of cookbooks piled on top of my chair and took a seat. Now we were eye level.

"I hear you're the best," Princess Peach said, shrugging off her coat and replacing the shining gold crown on top of her equally shining golden hair. It moved like it was one piece, glistening all together in its breathtaking blondness. I could see why a certain Mister Overalls was so fond of her.

I shrugged, and then looked back at her calmly, waiting for her to go on. In my experience, that's all it takes before the floodgates open.

Open they did. "I can't — I shouldn't be here. I know that. Ma—Someone... told me that I shouldn't come here. But I lost something dear to me. And it's of the utmost importance that I not only get it back but do so discreetly. The kingdom cannot know. If they know—" she sighed, heavily, like the wait of the world rested on her, shoulders...or head, and hers alone. "—the kingdom could fall apart," she concluded.

I sat across from her at my desk, soaking it in. It was a bigger problem than expected, bigger than any problem I had taken on. I kept my face calm, impassive. She couldn't know that I was up to my neck in debt on a place that got next to no foot traffic. That I was hanging on by the thread of my sand-shroom-colored coat.

I nodded once, slowly, encouraging her to continue. What she did next shocked me, had me gasping behind the mask I wore.

Princess Peach removed the crown from her head, and with her white-gloved and dainty hand, crushed it. It fell to the desk with a soft thud, crinkled like paper mache.

"It's a fake," she said.

I made a gesture with my left hand, arm stretched out, palm up. "Go ahead," she said. "Take a look."

I couldn't believe I didn't see it sooner. The crown wasn't just a fake, it was a cheap imitation. The crown was indeed paper mache. It was drawn horribly, scribbled this way and that haphazardly with golden markers and colored pencils. The jewels of her iconic crown were nothing but stick-on plastic stones.

I set it down and met her gaze. Then, I nodded twice.

She gave me the rest of the details. At least, she gave me what she thought I wanted to hear. You don't get a sign over your door like mine if you're easily taken. I smelled a bigger story than what she was selling, but acted like I bought it anyway. Keep 'em talking is my motto.

The tale went something like this: On a vacation to the Yoshi Isles, rocky seas lead to Peach's crown, the symbol of her kingdom, tumbling down into the sea. A team of Toads was dispatched to reclaim it, with Mario at the helm. What followed was an adventure involving a few criminal bloopers who I promised long ago never to name (in exchange for my low-cost rent), as well as a gang of cheep cheep known as the Skates who were attempting to sell the crown to make a quick buck.

Mario did what he does, and the crown was returned. Rougher seas followed, and when the princess finally made it to Yoshi's Isle, she realized the truth — the crown she had been given back was a fraud.

"So you can see, the stakes are high. Someone held onto the crown and swapped a fake in its place. And I'm — I'm afraid. I feel as though I can't trust anyone on that ship. If the kingdom finds out my crown is a fake...I can't imagine what could happen. There could be a revolt! If I can't take care of a piece of jewel-encrusted gold that was entrusted to me by the Toads who took me in, what business do I have in ruling the kingdom?"

I reached out and patted her hand. And nodded. It would be okay. The benefit of being a shy guy is that no one looks in your direction. I'm a background character, through and through. Sure, my tan-colored hood is a bit different, but only other shy guys would notice that. Be ye toad, koopa or King Bowser himself, you wouldn't notice me unless you had to. And I make it my business to keep anyone from having to.

To my left, the ticking clock in the shape of a blue shell struck 9 PM. Princess Peach gasped. "Is it that late already? I must go!"

She stood up, slipped her coat back on and flipped her collar up. "Thank you," she said breathlessly. "You're doing a great service to the kingdom."

With that, she departed. The scent of rolling hills and blue skies lingered in the air from where she once sat. As for me, I walked to the coat rack and donned my black flannel hat and tan overcoat. I had to go see a turtle about a fish.