Warp Pipes to Nowhere - A Detective Shy Guy Mystery

Chapter 2

The sewers were quiet as usual around this time of night, but the princess' perfume livened them up. I followed it without meaning to. It felt like I was dragged, cartoon-like, by a wafting, wanting gloved hand. In reality, we just trudged the same path. Well, I trudged, she glided. But where Princess Peach took her third left, second right and fifth pipe back to the surface — which was an interesting choice, and one that I did not fail to jot down — I opted for another right, beyond the pipe range that was a quick cut to any number of neighborhoods and kingdoms. Beyond yet another hallway, still beneath the sewers, I found myself at a dock. On a chair at the end of that dock was a pale gray Koopa wearing a faded blue shell with a smattering of barnacles affixed to it. On the head of that gray Koopa wearing a faded blue shell with a smattering of barnacles affixed to it was a white captain's hat.

"Detective Guy," he said as I approached. My hands were in my pockets, my face passive. I nodded.

"Not even a 'wah' for your oldest pal?"

I cocked my head to the left, just slightly.

"Okay, okay, easy. Just trying to turn that motionless scowl into, well, quite literally anything. You Shy Guys are some kind of culture. You know how Broadway shows have those two masks in their logos? The happy one and the sad one? Do you think—" he started to chuckle to himself "— do you think that if a Shy Guy started a theatre, their logo would just be two totally passive masks with that same blank expression?" He started really laughing now. "Look! Look! You're doing it now! You're— hey. Don't do— oh–oh come on!"

During his rant I had walked up to the bucket of coins he had successfully fished out of the sewer water. And then I gently kicked said bucket into the water. Bubbles formed on the surface a moment later, telling the two of us as we peered into the opaque green liquid that the coins and their carrying case were nestled comfortably on the sea floor.

I looked back at Kappy.

"Jeez, Guy, you used to be able to take a joke. You used to tell a few, too. Anyway. What's it this time? I know you're not here to ruin my day, which means you're working. And you smell—" he took a few sniffs, "sweet. Like green grass and possibilities. What'll it be?"

I nodded toward the open lane of water that went to the horizon. Kappy and I go back long enough to know that if I'm pointing out to the open sea, it ain't for a joyride or a fishing trip.

"The Skates? You lose all the brains behind that mask of yours? What you want to see them for?"

I said nothing, and just kept staring at him. I try to keep a tight lip with all my clients, which, I'll be honest, isn't exactly difficult for me—but working for the princess on a top-secret-sounding mission that may or may not determine the future of the kingdom? Lips are locked like Bowser's basement.

Kappy returned a stare but cracked a wry smile after a minute.

"You win. You win. Always were better at staring contests than most. Except that one time but — okay, okay, I won't get into it. Sheesh, you're testy today. Must be a big catch for you to take everything suddenly so seriously. I actually owe Tartare a visit on account of a job well done he still hasn't paid me for. Come back in an hour; we'll head over there."

I walked over to the nearest pylon sticking out of the dock and took a seat. And then looked in Kappy's direction. This case wasn't the type that could wait an hour.

"Sheesh. Okay. Fine. Now. We'll go now. Let me grab the sub. Maybe we can get those coins out that you so unceremoniously knocked over. Koopa trying to make an honest day's work and this is the thanks I get. I can just hear my mother rolling over in her dry bones saying I should've been a lawyer. Sheeesh."