is it to late to change my mind?

━ ✦ chapter one ✦ ━━

johnnie POV

i finally decided it was time to tell jake how i felt, i have been gay since before my mde years but i after what i went through in school i was to scared of facing homophobia like that again so i hid it from the internet. No one knows that about me i mean sure they joke about it and suspect it but i have never told anyone i was gay so that makes confessing to jake even harder. right after me and jake filmed our KMS music video i realized i liked him and i have since then and its only getting harder and harder to stand it so i am going to tell him tonight when we are hanging out like we usually do!

it took jake forever to get done streaming i sat in my room just scrolling tiktok reposting and commenting on fan edits of myself and of jake liking how people reacted when i see their posts, i always find myself watching ship videos of me and jake i know its probably a really weird thing to do but i think they are cute .. and cringey sometimes but mostly cute. i hear jake come back in after his stream in his car, i suddenly feel very anxious about confessing maybe i shouldn't?? if he rejects me i will be alone again.. i sit and stare at the wall for a while thinking about what i should do until i just give up. oh whatever i always self sabotage anyways, i will always end up alone so might as well ruin things now! i tell myself ready to admit my feelings in a bit.

i have always had a habit to sabotage my life and ruin things when life got okay thinking i didn't deserve it, its the same as always jake would be better off without me anyways i bet he hates how the internet ships us.. he likes women anyways but it will be over soon anyways i guess. i leave my room going out to meet jake in our shared living room to see he had some left over food from his stream "whatcha got there?" i say in a silly voice as i waddle over to where he was sitting "oh yeah! i left you some here!" he happily handed over the box "you were eating chicken nuggets on stream??" i ask slightly joking that was out of character for him, he laughed before responding "no no, i just ordered that for you along with the sandwich i was trying, thought you might be hungry!" he smiled at me and if i didn't have all this make up on he would have definitely seen me blush. how is he always so caring?

we both sit on the sofa as we usually do, jake put on spongebob for background sound as he edited his vod on his laptop getting it ready to be posted on his side channel. how am i supposed to tell him at a time like this? its to out of place .. i sit feeling a little awkward just watching tiktok on my phone as i eat the nuggets after what felty like hours jake sighed very loudly as he almost slammed his laptop shut and basically threw onto the spot next to him "you good man?" i ask looking up at him watching him stretch, my eyes lingering on the skin that peeked out from under his shirt for a little to long "i know I'm sexy" he said winking at me "oh shut up asshole" i roll my eyes playing it off pretending that didn't embarrass the crap out of me.

"god im bored dude" he sighed again falling back dramatically on the sofa i just nod not knowing how to help with that "we should go out to a party or something! maybe a bar.. or a strip clubb!~" jake said in a half joking tone as he looked at me with that silly look on his face "no way dude, you remember how that went last time.." i say bringing up the last time we went to a strip club together and how awkward and weird it was "your so lame" he shoots at me obviously agreeing but not wanting to let me win the argument "maybe just the bar then?? lets go get fucked upppp" he drags out his words looking at me again i think for a bit but i just say fuck it "sure, getting fucked up actually sounds so good right now" i sigh nodding he gives me a weird look but i cant tell what it is.

jake POV

i know i recomended it but hearing him word it like that just feels icky, i meant "getting fucked up" in a silly dancing on tables way but i know johnnie and i know that his "getting fucked up" means sobbing on the bathroom floor after throwing up sixty times and then threatening to off himself so its not light hearted to hear him say shit like that but maybe he really does mean it in a silly way like i do? but even so hes never a happy drunk but i just smile at him nodding "alright bet man, lets go to that one bar at the end of the street with the cool bartenders that let us have free drinks sometimes" i laugh as i stand up walking to my room to get dressed better, johnnie just nods laughing slightly as he walked to his room to get dressed.

I look for my cheeta print shirt .. well "our" shirt, johnnie stole it from me randomly and started wearing it but i stole it back and wear it, its just a loop we both wear it whenever just like the green misfits shirt i took from johnnie. i search for it forever before giving up and assuming its either dirty or johnnie has it so i settle on a tight cropped cheeta print tank and some baggy low rise worn out black jeans with big pockets and bling on them, ii throw on some cool jewelry and fluff up my hair before putting on some sick shoes and walk out grabbing a ripped up black hoodie incase i get cold.

i walk into the living room and plop down on the sofa scrolling tiktok while i wait for johnnie, he usually takes longer than me to get ready cause of his hair and make up. i scroll tiktok seeing the videos johnnie reposted and commented on, them being recommended to me since me and him follow each other on here, its so funny seeing people ship me and johnnie even though we are both straight i just laugh as i read johnnies comments on some videos, i come across an edit of johnnie dressed as a women from taras video and i would be lying if i said he wasn't hot cause god dayummm he is fine as a woman.. well he's fine as a man to but woman johnnie hits different.

johnnie finally comes out of his room and i look up to him and see he is wearing the shirt i was searching for paired with some black shiny pants with a silver belt and his iconic leather jacket he wears way to much i wonder if he even cleans it, he had on some black boots that were almost calf high and had a few big flashy silver buckles on them and straps he looks good as always i laugh to myself slightly not loud enough for him to hear as he walks into the room busy staring at his phone when he looks up i notice he has on eyeliner and lines coming down his cheeks in a cool pattern like he does sometimes and more eyeshadow than he does on normal days but what shocks me the most is he has on lipstick i stare for to long i guess cause he laughs and says "does it look bad? i haven't worn lipstick in like a year" he seems nervous and i immediately feel bad for making him think it looked bad cause it was very much the opposite he looked so good in it.

"no it looks really good man, i just wasn't expecting it but in a good way" i say probably sounding to pushy but i didn't want him to get scared and wipe it off cause i know that's how he is "okay ill take your word then" he smiles as he looks at me "copycat." he points towards my shirt jokingly "hey buckaroo, i was dressed first that makes YOU the copycat" i say in my eastern mom voice pointing at his shirt he rolls his eyes, neither of us care that we match, we match in our merch and shit all the time hell we share clothes this isnt like that crazy for us, i get up and grab my keys walking to the door "lets gooooo~" i shout opening the door practically throwing it open as i walk johnnie walks slowly behind me he closes and locks our door and we get into the car.