is it to late to change my mind?

━ ✦ chapter four✦ ━━

jake POV

god i feel bad now i shouldn't have pushed him to tell me, he hasn't left his room in fucking weeks now, at first i was to awkward to do anything and left him alone but i gave it up quickly when i realized he was just rotting alone. he wont reply to me in person or over the phone I'm really worried but he wont listen to me.. at this point i wish i did feel the same or even lied at least then he wouldn't be rotting in his room. i walk over to his door and see the food i left their everyday for almost week i want him to at least care for himself but he wont "johnnie you have to eat .. its been way to long come grab this please?" i have another meal in hand this time its McDonalds, yesterday it was taco bell and before that it was wing stop i see the food all still in their bags at his door step untouched and soggy now i sigh getting no reply as usual i miss us i miss everything i cant do this i feel like crying but even more than that i feel bad for him "its almost been two weeks, you cant just starve yourself, come and get this." i say more sternly but still no reply i feel so hopeless

i press my head to the door and hear him shift in bed at least i know hes alive.. "your fans miss you.. everyone is asking where ya been!" i say trying to come up with something anything that would get him up still nothing i bang on his door with my free hand feeling irritated "dude you cant shut me out like this. yes things will change buts its not the end of the world. im not going to watch you kill yourself over this. i told you its okay i dont even care" i hear him sigh and i light up with hope, i hear shuffling and the door clicks unlocked and it opens slightly then i push it open and he backs away and god my heart stings when i see how he looks

he is wearing some pajama pants and a baggy band tee, his hair is a wreck and you can tell he hasnt showered this whole time, he still has eyeshadow smeared al over his face "sorry .. i just needed a break" he speaks, his voice sounding sore from not speaking very much "a "break" huh?" i say half joking but i cant hide the slightl anger in my voice, how is this a break?? i hand him the food forcing it into his hands he just stared at it for a while before taking it "can things just be normal? pretend i didnt say that okay? i was confused but i figured it out and its not like that.." he looks at me in what i assume is supposed to be reassuring "its just been a long time since i had a good friend so i got platonic and romantic feelins mixed up" he says laughing when hes done and for some reason it hurts .. really bad "so you decided to starve yourself and self destruct for two weeks before talking about it??" i say probably to angrily but he just laughed "i dont have the best coping mechanisms man.. im emo" he shrugged smiling but i just feel worse.

now i understand this is normal for him, i think about what i know about his life and i remember all the bad shit that has happened to him and now i feel six tones of weight on my shoulders realizing this is probably how he has coped every time but was there anyone there for him those times? shit .. "stop joking around, this isn't okay" i say looking at him more sternly "jake.. i just want things to be normal okay? don't draw this out anymore, i figured things out so lets let it go." he sounds stern and i can tell he wont talk about it anymore and i think about how he said he doesn't like me but i cant understand why it hurts?? i don't like him so why does my heart hurt knowing he doesn't like me this doesn't make since at all and i cant even ask about it i especially cant ask "do you actually not like me? or are you just saying that?" cause why would i care? but i do care and i don't know why god this is confusing

its been a month since then and everything has been normal, surprisingly nothing really has changed, we still make our jokes a little less gay ones and way less flirting but we are still the tinas. i am relieved but it still kinda hurts, when i tried to jokingly flirt or make a gay joke he never went along with it and i slowly stopped but at least we are somewhat normal i guess, i was so scared we would be ruined but im happy to watch johnnie bounce back. what hurt worse though is what happened off camera, johnnie barely came out to meet me in the living room like we used to.. we used to meet in the living room to eat and watch tv like everyday but now i find myself sitting out here alone most nights and when he does come out he leaves when he's done eating or sometimes he just grabs his food and goes back to his room, i miss him alot but i cant do anything about it.

i get a notification that johnnie tweeted something so i open twitter to look and it felt like i was shot in the heart "cant wait to see you again @kyledavidhall" it was plain but it was easy to know exactly what it meant .. and why does it hurt? i watched the replies

"kohnnie is real?!"
"kohnnie in 2024???"
"i knew kohnnie was cannon"
"kohnnie reunion"
"waiting for an mde reunion"
"you guys should read wattpad again"
"kiss again, for old time sake ;)"
"ohhhh jakes gonna have to fight kyle for johnnie now"
"jahnnie vs kohnnie"
"kohnnie > jahnnie"

what. the. fuck. every reply was like another knife to the chest, what if he really does go with kyle?? did i really lose my spot ?! this is so fucked i breathe and calm down and think, they are crazy fans johnnie probably will just film a few videos or whatever then kyle will leave and we will be normal i sigh feeling like that makes since that is until i see anpther reply this one feels like a final blow

"kohnnie is cannon ❤️"

kyles reply made me want to throw up
i waited and watched for johnnies reply knowing he would respond

"shut up 🙄"

that doesnt help at all