is it to late to change my mind?

━ ✦ chapter three ✦ ━━

still jake POV

we were sitting on the floor of the bathroom now, i was holding johnnies hair back as he threw up, there was barely any chunks since he barely ate and looking back he didn't even finish the nuggets i gave him either i sigh as he sits up slightly wiping his mouth with toilet paper and breathes like a dying man i feel terrible now.. "you good?" i know obviously he isn't good but what else do i say?? "i-" he leans down aggressively and throws up again and i cant hide the sad expression on my face "i shouldn't have brought you here god I'm sorry man" i say sighing he coughed before sitting up and speaking without wiping his face "stop with that s-shit, i wanted to come here don't" he gagged "don't pity me." he grabbed toilet paper about to wipe his face before dry heaving over the toilet there probably isn't anything left to throw up now.

"its never good when you say yes to going to a bar without some pushing and even worse when you say you want to get fucked up.. i should have stopped this way earlier" he shook his head as if he thought what i was saying was just crap he finished wiping his mouth and chin and i let go of his hair fixing it best i could "lets go home" i stand up and reach my arm out for him to take "why?? you barely drank anything lets keep drinking" he smiled taking my hand standing up "no. fuck no." its my turn to look at him like hes stupid now "you just finished throwing up your guts, why would you even WANT to keep drinking?" he just shrugged "i like drinking, you should know that mr webber" he giggled as i rolled my eyes taking his wrist and walking out walking right past where my mostly full drink sat at our spot and left the bar, handing the bartender to much money not caring to count it out or get the bill right now

johnnie POV

i wake up in my bed very confused not remembering what the fuck happened but the more i think i remember the bar, throwing up and telling jake im gay.. i smile remembering his words feeling glad with his response i just sigh and sit up in bed seeing that my shoes are off but luckily jake wasn't "Nice enough" to change my clothes, that would be awkward as hell i look over to my nightstand and see a bottle of water, chicken nuggets and some pills i smile knowing jake did all this for me i take the pills with the water and eat a few nuggets i get out of bed and check the time, it was 3 pm so i know jake has probably been up for a while now i leave my room quietly and see jake on the sofa eating gummy worms and watching something on tv i plop onto the sofa next to him lazily before looking over to him "uh sorry about .. last night" i say in a joking tone but i seriously meant it

i get worried when jake makes a weird face, it looks like he is scared to tell me something "no don't worry its nothing i just.. i wish you could have told me sober" jake laughed i was confused "i-" jake laughed at me and spoke over me "did you seriously think i would hate you for being gay?? dude that hurts" i laugh now realizing that was kinda stupid "sorry man, its hard okay? i swear it wasn't anything like against you! i haven't told anyone since.. like middle school and i got bullied for it really bad so i just didn't tell anyone man i don't know" i explain but laugh feeling dumb for it "nah i get it i just wish you felt more comfortable telling me shit dude!" he says in a light tone but i can tell he was hurt "i do trust you jake, more than anyone else dude" i say but it sounds kinda romantic "no homo" i add in after laughing and jake smiles warmly at me

then his mood slightly changes before speaking again "about that then.. you said you wanted to tell me something but you were "to pussy to say it"" he says with air quotations i assume that's how i worded it then but i panic having no idea how to get away with this "i think that was about the coming out- i cant think of anything else i should tell you?" i say really hoping thats believable, i remember his comment last night and decided i really didn't want to confess now, he gives me a look seemingly calling my bullshit "you said that after coming out, there is something else johnnie... you said you trusted me so why cant you tell me?" he seemed so hurt by this and i felt bad

i remmeber my thoughts yesterday and think about how kind jake is, i dont deserve this anyways.. maybe i should just tell him and get it over with so he can move on and i can go kill myself or something ... uh sorry thats uh to far?? "i do trust you jake-" jake stares at me "will it hurt my feelings or something then?? just tell me dude i wont get mad or bully for anything" he sounds so genuine but i know he will switch up when he hears this "you will take that back if i tell you.." i sit up more proper now bracing myself deciding i will tell him and ruin everything "there is nothing in this world that could make me hate you johnnie, seriously unless your like really racist or a murderer?? no if you killed someone i would help hide the body, thats how for real i am" jake said half joking and i smiled a little but i know how this will go "fine.." i sit up backing away from him a bit

jake perked up looking happy i agreed, i felt like crying "shit.." i say under my breathe it gets hard to breathe "i uhm so" i look away and i can tell jake feels bad and he scoots over to me but as he reaches out to my shoulder i back away from him not wanting to be so close "johnnie.." he says frowning "im sorry.. this is going to ruin everything ! i really like what we have i don't want ruin things!" a few tears escape my eyes and i bring my legs onto the sofa as if to comfort myself "here goes.. everyhting" i sish before looking down "i like you jake.. no i- i love you alot and" i look up and i cant see the look on his face and regret ever speaking "shit im sorry its stupid im just kidding ha-" he cuts me off sounding really upset "listen johnnie, i dont hate you but im.. im straight man your a good guy i just you know" he sounds awkward as he looks away

he was obviously uncomfortable but he was just scared to hurt my feelings "god i hate myself" i say as i stand up quickly and run to my room almost slamming the door shut and locking it "johnnie!!" he shouts i hear him run over to my door and shake the knob "dude its okay! its fine we can pretend it didnt happen alright??" i dont respond and he shakes the knob more aggressive now and he knocks on the door "johnnie don't do this man.." he sounds sad and i hate myself even more i sit on my bed my knees to my chest my fists clench my hair as i sob quietly "just go jake.. dont w-worry about it" i hear him sigh and his foot prints get quite so i know he gave up i sob to myself hating everything

maybe i should move out or run away.. i want to disappear