One for All and All for One

I'm Sorry, Wife

[Jovanni August Faxon]

The sound of the wind's rustling may be heard in this peaceful forest—a soothing noise, I could say. A click of inch heels mixed with the sound of nature. The clicks were leading to the lake. A lady was walking slowly towards the lake with a dark expression. As if she's holding an enormous boulder on her back.

When she reached the edge of the lake, she took her boots off before she sat there and dangled her feet while she was thinking.

"So pathetic. So weak. It's like you don't even contribute to your relationship with Michaela."

"Are you distressed in a damsel?"

"You were raised as a mythical creature; is that how low you can get? So unfortunate."

"I wonder how long till you can cry in front of the others? How long till you give up fighting as if you're ready to die just like the last time?"

"Come on, little one, answer me. I'm your long-time friend, the friend when you were 7."

"Answer, answer, cry, cry." The voice starts laughing wickedly.

Jovi didn't utter any response; she just kept silent while staring at the reflective surface. She gripped the dirt, clenching her fists, and tightened her jaw. A tear shed at the corner of her eye as it rolled down to her cheek.

It is hard to say, but that voice is telling the truth. That's her feelings, her unsaid complaints, cries, and pleas. She couldn't tell anyone, not even her wife; it felt so wrong. She was scared, and she was worried once her wife found out about this. There's even a voice that will say, "Just keep it all together; don't say anything about this to avoid harm to anyone, especially your wife."

She was so wrong that she couldn't handle every unsaid word as the day passed. Even these past few weeks, she has gotten hurt, hurt, and hurt. It ain't a day without pain. Very soon, or if it's the day where she feels numb and everything she keeps showing to others fades, it's so unfair and so one-sided. It's like the day she shut down was the day she felt at ease and peace. Now that she's awake, it's like every pain slaps her as the day passes by.

Should she do another shutdown? This time, no one can see her or find her.

"Why did you even try to be clingy if, in the end, she'll push you away?" The same voice in her head started talking to her once again.

"I just want... to be with my wife," she mumbles her response. "I've missed her right after my shut-down."

"Yeah, but because of that, you just hurt yourself. You can't blame her; you are overboard anyway. In short, it's your fault." The voice snickered.

She knows that she's just being manipulated by this voice, intoxicating her with doubt and making her feel guilty. It's the same voice that taught her how to reciprocate the pain she keeps feeling inside her. Not gonna lie, the advice of slashing, cutting, and stabbing herself to return the pain does help her. During her months of being married and the time when she was in a relationship with her wife, she stopped harming herself and controlled herself not to do anything funny to her body. Yet she failed; she even tried to smoke, but she had to stop for her son. And now, her suicidal harm has been restored, and now it seems like her body is filled with the marks of her self-mutation.

"Why do you have to stay? Divorce, leave, go away. It seems like you're the toxic wife for Michaela. Pfft, she doesn't deserve you; she doesn't deserve someone who can't even do the same thing she did to you. In short, useless." Her heart cracked once again. It's true that whenever she tried to protect or do anything for her wife, it failed. She promised herself she'd love and bring happiness and care to her wife. But it seems like none of it is being fulfilled.

All she did was love her unconditionally, to the point that her love felt like it was one-sided. Her love was a selfless act where she kept crying overnight and forgave her wife without her asking for it. She hopes to be selfish, but thinking about her wife, she can't do it.

The Ogopogos love once and only for that person. That's the reason why whenever her wife starts crushing on people and even dating them, it hurts her, but she needs to assure her that it's fine.

Fine... 

Fine... 

Fine...

If lies give you money, she'll be a millionaire now.

While she's in her deep thoughts. A familiar, small splash of feet rumbles in her direction. It was her water sloth, her creation out of her water body. The sloth taps her shoulder, saying it's a daily report.

'Obviously, another heartbreaking memory that my sloth will give to me,' she thought. She took her seat as she absorbed him. The memory of the sloth pops in her head as its story tells what happened after she left.

Another tear rolled down her cheek. A chuckle let out from her mouth as it burst into laughter. A laugh that seems to pour everything out of her system. Yet her tears keep falling.

"Look at that. She gratefully accepts whenever other people do something for your wife. But when you do that, there's an argument as if she doesn't want it." The voice spoke again. Yet Jovi didn't reply or do anything. She continues laughing while bailing out.

"And Jaq? Nah, he doesn't need his mommy now. His mama is all he needs to live, and besides, you can't even take care of him without letting him be spoiled and pampered, right?"

"Geez, why hold in that kind of marriage? I mean, Michaela never deserves you in her life; you're like a burden, to be honest."

"Your wife deserves someone better. Sadly, you can't be that person all because you can never be a better wife, a girlfriend, a companion, or even a trusted family member."

Those words that the voice mentioned made her heart shatter into pieces. It's like a fragile piece of glass that can never be repaired, no matter how many years pass. Her heart kept shattering every time her mind remembered the video of what happened back in the shop.

She pulled her legs up close to her chest and hugged her knees. Heaving a sigh before looking up at the sky and murmuring, "Oh Lord almighty, please take care of my wife and son," she hopefully smiled as the last tear escaped from her eye. She bowed down to glance at her water sloth. She lifted her hand towards the sloth's head as she patted it.

"Look after her for me, okay?" Her last words before herself turned transparent like water as she turned into complete water and melted down where she was sitting.

Maybe everything will be happy and better when she's gone.