Venus: The Odyssey to Happiness

Part 13

I haven't had much luck in love, that's clear. However, in friendship, I hit the jackpot. I call Aicha first. I explain the situation to her. Just like me, she cannot understand how a third person, even if it's a family member, can influence a thirty-year-old on such a serious project as marriage. She boosts my morale by telling me that it's because I think too much about marriage that I am unhappy. According to her, love will surprise me when I least expect it. I just need to stay open to life's opportunities.

Next, I ask Sédar to call me. Since he had explained that his wife was hesitant about us being friends, I wanted him to be in the right conditions for us to talk calmly. He calls me back very quickly. I explain the situation to him, and he agrees. He is upset with El Hadj because, according to him, El Hadj lacks courage. Sédar went through a similar situation. His parents were against his marriage because of a caste issue, but he forced them to join him in his choice because it's his life. He tries to reassure me by saying that sometimes good things in life take time.

Misery never comes alone; I have professional obligations abroad the day after this breakup. So, I prepare to face this period of great vulnerability alone.

Fortunately, the evening before my departure, Jupiter calls to check on me since he knew I was sick. We talk a bit. What I like about him is his patience and intelligence. He can have very deep discussions as well as make cheeky remarks with the utmost seriousness. In a way, he senses that I am not in my usual state. He teases me a bit about my singleness, which brings a smile to my face and puts a little balm on my heart. He will regularly check on me throughout this journey. I feel that we are starting to develop a special relationship. We are becoming confidants.

Once there, I send a text to Younouss, who resides in the country I'm visiting. Younouss is my first love, and he was the cause of my biggest heartbreak until then. After 10 years of separation, we reconnected by the greatest of coincidences a few months earlier. In response to my text, he suggests a phone call. As soon as it's said, it's done. I am stunned; I no longer recognize his voice, and nothing connects me to him except for a few memories we shared and on which we don't always agree.

After a few minutes of the call, I prefer to continue by text because it's late. According to Younouss, I was the one who left him. I broke something in him when I mentioned the possibility of breaking up more than a decade ago due to a minor disagreement. Consequently, he decided to seize the opportunity that presented itself to him at that time with a girl we'll call Sylvie. They eventually got married a few years later and have two beautiful children. He tells me that Sylvie has changed to the point where he considered asking for a divorce. I knew from the beginning that Sylvie didn't have the innocence and qualities she embodied. Yet, she was the one he chose. Why are authentic people rejected, and fake ones loved?

Younouss carries a certain guilt toward me. After our breakup, he understood many things about me. He is aware that he did not appreciate me at my true worth. For example, he told me that one evening, he happened to watch a program dedicated to hypersensitivity, and he felt like he was glimpsing my personality in the descriptions. My reactions were not excessive; I was just hypersensitive. Given the tumultuous end of our story, he did not dare to come back to me. But at that moment, he was finally aware of the complexity and cruelty of the situation I had to deal with, and he regretted it. I know his repentance is sincere, but there were too many bad things to hope to build beautiful ones in the future on the sentimental level. When he left, he definitively ripped out of my heart everything that could love him.

Still on the move, a week after the breakup with El Hadj, I am unrecognizable. I have the pale complexion of someone recovering from an illness, and eyes so sad that when I see the photos from that period, I feel sorry for myself. I lost 5 kg despite my efforts to eat more, despite the vitamins I took. I was somewhere between denial and acceptance of the situation, busy sorting out my thoughts and feelings. I am very often lying alone in the dark, trying to find the reason why it ended like this.

Despite the support of Aicha, Sédar, and Jupiter, my state worries my parents upon my return. My aunt Adama asks me one day what affects me so much. Having very little emotional inertia at that time, I explain the situation to her summarily. She listens attentively and understands my distress, having experienced a similar story. According to her, the most important and hardest thing is to accept that El Hadj had a choice to make, and he chose the situation that suited him best. In his eyes, I was not worth the fight no matter the cost. This realization devastates my ego, but in any case, she is right. I try to rebuild myself on this basis, knowing that, in addition, I see El Hadj every day at work.