A prayer diary of someone going through a prayer crisis

November 1st, 2023 - Wednesday

Today, a brother from my mother's church came to do some repairs at home. Afterwards, we talked about God's things, and he told me a bit about when God answered one of his prayers.

He was going to work in the early hours of the morning and had little money when he passed by a bakery that made a bread he liked and saw a beautiful bread there. Then he thought, "I really feel like having a bread." Now I remember he didn't even pray, only thought about it. But he left because he took some money out of his pocket and there were only coins.

When he arrived at work, a co-worker called, and he didn't want to go because he thought it was some joke people liked to play on him. But the guy took him to a room there and handed him a bag with two breads bigger than the one he desired. In that moment, he saw God's care.

As he spoke, I instantly remembered a similar prayer I made someday when I felt like eating something, but nothing similar happened to me. Until yesterday, I didn't have the opportunity to eat what I asked for. I know it wasn't the same circumstances. I wasn't hungry when I ordered the food I wanted and maybe that's why I can't compare. I even told this to the brother, who smiled and said that I didn't ask with my heart. Then he said maybe it wasn't the time.

It's always like this. There's always an excuse Christians come up with to prove why things don't happen. I think I'm right in that thought I have. I don't know if I shared it here. But I believe it's not that God doesn't answer prayers. The truth is that God doesn't answer MY prayers. And not my family's either. Why that is, I don't know. I also don't know if there are people in the same situation as me.

I'm really starting to think that what I'm doing is useless. Fasting, prayers, and reading. The worst part is that fasting is sometimes very difficult. Especially on Sundays. It feels like I'm making a foolish sacrifice. Think about it with me, reader: If after 27 years God has never directly answered one of my prayers, why would he do it now? What's the difference now from before? Am I doing something I've never done before? I remember doing more intense fasts than this. There were several times when I fasted from 6:00 am until 18:00 pm without water and food. Didn't I pray before? I remember times when I prayed much more. Didn't I read the word before? I'm not doing anything new! I just went back to doing what I always did and stopped doing.

There are two months left for this challenge to end. Only my word keeps me going with this. Because there is no encouragement, no perspective that I will be heard or that anything will change.