BLOOD SECRETS

CHAPTER 8

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"What are you feeling right now, Alex?" asked my therapist.

My glazed over eyes snapped to my therapist's face. "It's Alexandra."

"Why don't we analyze why you prefer me to call you Alexandra and not Alex?" suggested my therapist in desperation.

"Do you prefer me to call you Emilia or Dr. Jones?" I said with a straight face. "It's dependent on the relationship."

I waited for her to react but she just analyze me impassively. Dr. Jones still hasn't screamed or yelled at me like my previous therapists, which I had to admit impressed me. It almost made me inclined to be nicer to her. Almost.

"Alexandra," Dr. Jones sighed, "I think I've been taking the wrong approach."

"Really?" I couldn't help the sarcasm in my tone. "The past seven therapists I've seen al said the same thing."

"Clearly, asking questions doesn't work because you find it pointless," Dr. Jones said.

"Because it is," I faltered when I realized that I just answered her like she baited me to.

Those three words were the first truth I've ever admitted in a therapy session and Dr. Jones knew it. She almost managed to hide her triumphant smile. "You find it all pointless because you believe your emotions are pointless."

I carefully schooled my expressions to not reveal anything. She was getting through me in a way I was uncomfortable with.

Dr. Jones didn't wait for my response. "You try your best to dismiss, bottle, and hide your emotions because loving and trusting someone close to you caused you great pain."

I forced myself to stare at the space between her eyes to not lose composure.

I hated therapy.

"So now you'll do everything to push away people who care. You'll stone wall them because you're not only afraid of loving them unconditionally, but you're afraid that they will love you too."

"Why would I be afraid of that?" I said, my voice sounding strangled even to me.

"You're afraid of the fact that someone who loved you still chose something else over you." Dr. Jones met my eyes and something close to sympathy softened her gaze. "You're afraid that you're just not enough. Not enough when it comes down to a choice. You can't stand conditional love because it's so fickle."

"Stop," I whispered. "Please stop talking."

"You hate being called Alex by strangers because only people you unconditionally love call you that."

I stood. "No. That's not true."

Dr. Jones holds up a piece of notebook paper that should have never came into her hands and read it aloud to me. "I hate it when Prince Asto Al Nahyan calls me Alex. I want to tell him to call me Alexandra but whenever the request is on my tongue, I can never actually say it to him. So I let him call me Alex and I let it infuriate me every time."