REQUIEM - Emily Prentiss

Ch. 21, Breakdown

School was mediocre for Nellie. She was only a few days in, but the routine she was building with Emily was helping her have a sense of normalcy once again. Her mind had less time to wander during the day, but at night, she still felt every single wound. Classes were going well, but Nellie's war with Mr. Martin was only getting more and more fueled with each step she took into his class. Sara encouraged Nellie to keep up her antics of challenging the man, which they had both agreed each move was justified. Sara continued to eat lunch with Nellie and helped integrate her into a small group of friends that had science and art together. Nellie's anxiety about adjusting there was diminishing each day, but her walls were still guarded about the newfound friendships she was making.

Back at the apartment, Nellie and Emily found themselves developing a steady routine. Nellie would usually explain her day to Emily while they ate a snack before they each parted ways; Nellie to her room to finish homework, and Emily to her office to finish case reports. Dinner always followed with more diving into their shared interests and learning about each other. Nellie would usually try to finish her homework after dinner in her room, but Emily could encourage her to at least spend the time out on the couch with her reading or watching a show to settle down before going to sleep for the night.

If anything, Nellie found her homework as an excuse to not sleep. She had lessons to catch up on, and many of her new peers were profoundly advanced in the subjects that she had missed out on over her absences from the past year.

As Nellie lay on her bed reading through and taking notes on the chapter in her history textbook, there was a knock on her door followed by it slowly opening.

"Hey," Emily greeted, "It's getting late. You should get to bed. You still have school tomorrow."

"I know," Nellie replied looking up from her book. "But it's Friday at least."

"Yeah," Emily nodded, "You still have a whole day and need the sleep. I'm gonna get going to bed."

"I'll go to bed soon," Nellie gave a small smile, "Promise."

"Okay," Emily bit the inside of her cheek, "Try to get some sleep."

"I will," Nellie groaned, "Goodnight Emily."

"Goodnight Nels," Emily softly replied, "Sleep tight."

With that Emily closed the door and walked over to her room. Defeated, Emily sat down on her bed and stared at the rug under her feet. She knew Nellie couldn't keep this up forever and one of these days the teenager was going to crash and burn under her. She could see it in the girl's eyes, but for now, there was nothing Emily could do besides wait to catch the girl.

Nellie rolled onto her back and glared up at the ceiling with a sigh. She wished she could just confront Emily with all of her worries and questions, but every single time she thought maybe she could, her tongue became glued to her teeth holding her mouth shut. She felt like she was in a cycle always keeping things in before bursting out, wondering when Emily would give up and push her out. Emily was right, she did need sleep. But it was easier said than done. Reluctantly, Nellie got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. Wiping off the remainder of her makeup she looked at her true self in the mirror. Her skin was more lively every day but her eyes were just as dark, drooping at the corners with her blue orbs beginning to look like a winter sea.

Nellie lay restless in the dimly lit bedroom. Her body couldn't relax in the oversized bed. Every few minutes a car would pass illuminating a flash of light before her eyes causing Nellie's body to tighten and a rush of panic to run through her veins. Nellie wasn't sure if she was asleep or awake as her body seemed frozen in time while the world was moving around her. Her eyes remained planted on the ceiling that was hazy with different colors and patterns dancing across it.

When Nellie's alarm rang out, the teenager lazily reached for the phone and turned it off with a sigh. Her eyes were dry to the touch and her lips chapped over. Nellie got up with all her weight shifting to being on her feet as she hastily dragged her feet to her wardrobe.

School was easy for a Friday with only one small quiz in French class, which Nellie was sure she had at least passed. Sara had invited Nellie to get coffee, shockingly at the same coffee shop she and Emily had gone to prior. Emily was quick to say yes and enthusiastically suggested she would stay late at the office to finish her casework before the weekend.

By the end of the day, Nellie could feel her body weighing down and her eyelids threatening to close, even under the harsh LED lights of the classrooms. The walk to the coffee shop was filled with rather short responses on Nellie's end and she hoped Sara was taken back by it.

"Hey, are you okay?" Sara asked tilting her head to the side. "You just have seemed a little off today."

"I'm okay," Nellie winced, "I haven't been sleeping well this week and I think it's catching up to me."

"Okay," Sara looked up from her drink worried, "First week at a new school is rough I can imagine."

"Yeah, sure," Nellie sighed looking down avoiding Sara's watchful gaze.

"I was gonna say if you want to come to spend tonight at my house and have a movie marathon, you are welcome to," Sara paused, "But I'm guessing you are gonna try to just go home and sleep."

"Thanks," Nellie looked up with a small smile. She had never had a sleepover, "But not tonight. And I would have to ask Emily. And it's just...yeah."

"Complicated?" Sara finished Nellie's sentence getting a nod from the blonde, "It's cool you call your mom by her first name."

"Oh um," Nellie frowned knowing she was going to have to explain, "She's not my mom. She's my foster mom."

"Oh, okay," Sara gripped her cup with both hands, "Is she mean or something?"

"No not at all," Nellie quickly defended. "She is amazing. I just... There's been a lot happening. She probably wouldn't think it's the best idea right now."

"Got it," Sara's expression relaxed on her face, "Is that why you've moved around a lot?"

"Yep," Nellie nervously chuckled. "Joys of the system. I know all of DC and the surrounding areas. Woohoo."

Sara could see the sadness and nervousness in Nellie's eyes, "Sorry if this is making you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to."

"No, it's okay," Nellie shook her head, "People usually just are weird with it. I get nervous. But it's cool. Don't worry."

"I won't tell the others if you don't want me to," Sara hoped that helped.

"Thanks," Nellie sighed, "Just trying to make this an actual new start. But yeah, I've just been having some rough nights and dealing with shit. But hopefully soon we can."

"Take your time," Sara reassured Nellie, "Let me know ever if you need anything."

Nellie felt a nervous flutter in her stomach. Was this what friendship was like? She wasn't positive, but something inside of her relaxed and she took another sip of her drink to solidify the conversation they had just had.

"Thanks," Nellie replied with the corners of her lips turning up, "So what do you think you'll do the rest of the night?"

"Eh, probably draw," Sara shrugged, "Binge-watch Derry Girls for the twelfth time."

"Never seen it," Nellie grimaced.

"What?" Sara exclaimed. "Okay, that we need to change. It's about these teenagers in Ireland in the 90's. It's so funny. You have to. You look Irish. It's like a cultural heritage piece. If you are, you need to."

"I guess I look Irish," Nellie giggled. "But I don't know."

"Well, I will be making you watch it no matter what," Sara pointed at Nellie, "And that's a promise."

"Okay," Nellie continued her laughter.

Sara looked down at her phone, "Oh shit. My mom is almost here to get me. Well, it was nice hanging out with you outside of class."

"Yeah, same," Nellie smiled.

"Do you need a ride or anything?" Sara asked, gathering her things.

"No," Nellie threw her coat back on. "I live right down the street, so I'm fine walking. But thanks."

"No problem," Sara grinned. "Well, I'll see you Monday. Remember, Derry Girls."

"Okay," Nellie laughed, following Sara outside.

"There's my mom," Sara pointed, "Bye."

"Bye," Nellie gave a solum smile watching the girl walk off and get in her car.

Nellie stood there, letting the wind pick up around her and blow her stray strands of hair across her face, blurring her vision. She couldn't remember the last time she had a friendship. Of course, she had made friends here and there, and many foster siblings became friends. But they were taken away suddenly, and Nellie lost track of where many of them had gone. Her mind was telling her to be weary, but her gut said otherwise. This was a fresh start. Fresh Nellie. Nellie who tried to trust. Nellie didn't have the same plans as before. Those bridges were burned past recognition.

Nellie shivered sticking her hands in her pockets and burring her chin in her raised shoulders. The temperature was steadily dropping as the sky became a darker hue. The apartment was right down the street, but Nellie turned in the opposite direction. The red brick buildings and golden rays from the streetlamps warmed her as she walked. She didn't know where she was going, but each turn she made brought up a new memory and question to haunt her brain. These streets looked nothing like the ones she knew DC to be. If she stayed with Emily, she wasn't sure if she would ever feel like these were her own. These were the streets she pondered across on Christmas lost in the fairytale worlds passerbys' lived in, not as foster kids.

Nellie came across a small square park drizzled in the snow under tall dark trees. She could tell the curved pathways marked flowerbeds that would be full in spring of dazzling rays of colors. But now everything was brown and bony. Sitting on a park bench in silence, Nellie listened to her breaths going in and out. Everything was hazy, and the sky grew black. A car blowing by mufflers popped, causing Nellie to jump and look around.

"Shit," Nellie muttered seeing her phone had multiple calls and texts.

She knew she had to get back, but this was the calmest and the piece, the teen had found herself in days. Nellie pushed herself up, unable to feel her fingers against each other in her pockets. Nellie slowly retraced her steps weaving her way through the mix of residences and shops. The apartment building stood in front of her and Nellie pulled out her keys and codes for the doors.

Emily anxiously paced through the apartment. Dinner was already made and every time she looked out the window, the sky was darker and the teenager was nowhere to be found. Emily was trying to keep her mind from the worst. Nellie had just been with a friend. They probably lost track of time. The later it got, Emily checked her phone more frequently, and all of her calls and texts failed to be picked up. Maybe Nellie did run. Emily checked the teen's bedroom finding the girl's journal and relics from her mother. She wouldn't leave those. Emily made her way back into the hallway, just then hearing the lock on the apartment door turn.

Emily stood at the end of the hall watching the teenager walk in quietly, closing the door behind herself. Emily made her way over.

"Nellie," Emily reached the teen, cupping Nellie's bright red chapped cheeks, "Geeze you're cold. Where were you?"

"I went for a walk after," Nellie explained dryly. "I got distracted."

"Are you okay? Did you not get any of my calls or texts?" Emily asked concerned.

"I'm fine," Nellie's tone turned dark, as Nellie grits her teeth. "I...I just missed them."

"Okay, can you try to make sure you let me know if you are gonna be out?" Emily asked seeing the teen looking around everywhere but at her. "Hey, Nels?"

"Fine, okay," Nellie huffed, throwing her hands up. "I'll be better and try."

"Hey," Emily softened her tone, seeing the worked-up teenager. "It's okay. I was just worried about you. I have dinner ready."

Nellie rubbed her eyes and pushed her hair back drawing in a big breath, "Yeah okay. I just need to use the bathroom. I need a minute."

"That's fine," Emily nodded, "Take your time."

Nellie quickly scurried off to her bedroom shutting the door behind her. Her breaths becoming uneven, Nellie threw her jacket, pants, and shoes on the floor and slid her pj pants on under the oversized t-shirt she was already wearing. Nellie threw herself facedown onto the bed and slowly pulled the covers up over her body. Slowly her frail body curled up as a sob escaped her lips and her body shook. Walking back through the neighborhood in the darkness brought her back to the night a few weeks back. Her mind was on the blood on the floor, the cracked frame, and her mother rocking back and forth terrified for life. The last time Nellie would see her mother. Nellie's mind was now flashing to the image of her mother's beaten and bloody body on the screen. Nellie could see her breath escaping her lips as she panic called 911 before running down the street. She could feel Emily's arms around her as she dry heaved in the bathroom. She could see all of those parties she longed to be at rather than being scared for her life. All of that was racing through the girl's mind as exhaustion and pain numbed her body until her eyes couldn't stay open.

It had been about fifteen minutes since Emily had last seen the frazzled teenager. Emily curiously made her way down the hall seeing the barely lit light in the girl's bedroom flooding out from under the door. Emily quickly knocked and got no response. From the teen's behavior when she arrived home, Emily made the split decision to open the door. Emily wasn't sure what to expect, but when she saw the cover bundled tightly around the teenager, her suspicions about the past few nights felt like they weren't just suspicions. Emily slowly tip-toed around to the other side of the bed where the teenager was facing and the lamp glow radiated from. Emily paused looking down at the girl. Nellie's face was traced with tear streaks and the dark shadows sunk deep under the eyes. Emily frowned brushing Nellie's hair back, as the girl continued to sleep clutching the stuffed animal from her mom to her chest.

Not about to wake Nellie from some of the only sleep the teen had gotten this week, Emily turned off the light and quietly walked herself back out of the bedroom. Emily made up a plate of dinner and placed it in the fridge with a label in case Nellie woke up hungry in the middle of the night. She doubted the girl would dare to check the fridge for food, but Emily knew she needed to do it anyway, hoping with time the girl would come to be less restless in the space. Emily spent the next few hours reading before getting herself ready for bed. Checking on the girl one last time, Emily found Nellie in the same position tucked away from the demons of the world under the thick covers.

When Nellie awoke she couldn't shake her dream: She had been running down the streets watching parties around her and people merrily walking, but the further she got the people were all being replaced with her mother's ghostly body. Everywhere she looked her mother was there with bloodied clothes and a hole through the center of her head. Nellie's mother was calling out for her asking where she was and what had happened. Nellie couldn't stop it, she kept running further and further winding her way into the park, but the park only grew into those twisted woods. Before she could stop it she was in the shed. Nellie looked over to the large wood stove seeing her mother's body burning to ash. Nellie screamed, running further outback as she fell down a hole. She raised her hands to push herself up, but they were covered in ruby blood as her mother's decaying body lay under her. Matt and Gerald's laughter rang out from above as they looked down with evil grins. Nellie covered her ears rambling "I'm sorry" over and over.

Nellie thought her eyes were open but she could still see the ghostly figure of her mother moving about the room. Nellie squinted and reopened her eyes wide but the figures continued dancing around her. She could hear the crying and laughing in her ears. Her breathing picked up and her throat was tightening, as Nellie began gasping. The taunting grew louder and Nellie pushed her eyelids open with her figures hoping this would clear her vision and shake everything around her away. But it didn't help.

"Stop, stop, stop," Nellie whimpered rocking back and forth. "It was just a dream."

Nellie continued fighting for her breath as everything moved around her. It wouldn't stop. Nothing would stop.

"Emily," Nellie croaked, nothing more than a gasp coming out.

She didn't know what do to. Nellie began counting her breaths in and out, but the thoughts continued spiraling. Nellie could barely feel her limbs and all of her healed wounds were beginning to sting and ache like they were chewed fresh again. Her heart pounded quickly in time to the voices around her. 

"Emily," Nellie tried again, but even less came out this time.

Nellie tried to swallow only choking on her saliva as she gasped for air. This was much worse than any other time. The teen didn't know what to do. She couldn't stop it. Removing her hands from her ears and eyes, Nellie forced herself out of the bed barely balancing on her feet, crashing into the dresser across. Stumbling to the door, Nellie swung it open and stepped across, seeing Emily had left her door cracked.

Knocking with whatever strength left Nellie peeped, "Emily."

Emily quickly awoke her mind alive to the cry of her name. Emily's brow furrowed, her drowsiness dropping upon turning on the light and seeing the teenager trembling covered in tears in the doorway.

"Nellie," Emily worriedly spoke, pushing herself out of bed and over to Emily.

Emily placed her hands on the girl's shoulders as the teenager began to collapse. The older brunette worked quickly wrapping her arms around the girl to catch her fading legs.

"I've got you, Nels," Emily spoke.

Nellie shook in Emily's arms as she buried her head into Emily's chest sobbing, "I can't do this. Make it stop. I can't. Where is she?"

"Oh baby," Emily could feel the weight of the girl falling more upon her. "I'm just going to move you."

Emily slid her arms under Nellie's and pulled the girl with her to sit her down on her bed.

"I can't feel my hands or feet," Nellie gasped in between sobs.

"I know," Emily softly replied, pushing Nellie's hair back from her head as she sat down next to the teenager and pulled her back into her arms. "Let's take some deep breaths. In and out."

"I can't," Nellie shook her head, "I can't stop them. I can't."

"Stop who?" Emily asked cautiously, knowing the teenager wasn't fully lucid.

"Mom's crying," Nellie sputtered in between her sobs wrecking her body, "Their laughter They're here."

Emily's brow furrowed upon hearing those words. Looking down she could see Nellie's eyes shut and the girl slowly shaking her head back and forth trying to fight off whatever was going on inside.

"Nellie," Emily gently spoke, "I need you to open your eyes. Can you do that?"

"I don't want to see them," Nellie cried burrowing her head into Emily's shoulder.

"I know," Emily replied, "They aren't here. It's just you and me. No one else is in here. You are safe right here with me. I'll promise you. I've got you protected."

Emily gently rubbed circles with her thumb on Nellie's side as she watched the girl slowly open her eyes. Nellie's expression was of pure horror as she looked around the room and up at Emily.

"They aren't here," Nellie cried harder, "But they were."

"I know," Emily cooed, "I know they were."

Nellie's shaking only intensified and the girl's hands were becoming tightly glued in balls.

"Emily," Nellie gasped. "I can't feel my hands and feet. Where are they?"

"Keep your eyes open," Emily told her, "You are having a panic attack, sweetheart. Your mind is playing tricks on you. But you are safe. I know how real this feels. Your hands and feet are still there." Emily held one of Nellie's hands and raised it for the girl to see. "See? It's right there. You can't feel them. Your blood vessels are constricting because you aren't getting enough oxygen. Well, get them back, okay?"

Emily hoped the logic behind what was going on would help the teen in this moment, which seemed to be working as Nellie rested back down on Emily's chest.

"Sweetheart?" Emily softly spoke again, "Can you feel my chest rising and falling?"

Nellie nodded with a small whimper.

"Okay, good," Emily sighed, "I want you to breathe in and out when I do. Just breathe with me."

Nellie nodded. Nellie was only half understanding what Emily was saying, but her voice alone was calming her down. The voices around Nellie were settling and with her head against Emily's chest, she could hear the steady heartbeat with every breath Emily drew in and out. She slowly followed Emily's cue, trying to push away the demons battling to break through her head. In and out. Nellie wasn't sure how time was passing, but she was beginning to feel her hands and feet again, this time filling with pins and needles making her wince.

"What's going on Nels?" Emily asked.

"I...my hands and feet are tingling," Nellie's voice cracked as she spoke.

"That's good," Emily gently ran a hand through Nellie's hair, "That means they are coming back and the breathing is working."

"Okay," Nellie softly cried trying to keep her eyes open.

Nellie could feel the warmth of Emily's body wrapped around her and Emily pressing a soft kiss onto Nellie's brow. Somehow that only made Nellie cry harder.

"What is it?" Emily worriedly asked.

"I don't know," Nellie cried, "I'm so scared, but I shouldn't be. I'm sorry I woke you. I can go back to bed."

Nellie started trying to get only for Emily to gently guide the teen back down to sitting across from her gently holding her wrists.

"Hey," Emily cooed, "You don't need to run. You are still shaking and panicking. Stay here, please."

"But I bothered you," Nellie cried, "It's the middle of the night."

"You didn't bother me," Emily gently reached out cupping the side of Nellie's face, "You did exactly what I told you to do if you feel like this. You came and got me."

"But I can do this on my own," Nellie shook her head crying harder, "And I have nightmares all the time that are bad. I just freaked out too much this time. And I've been lying to you about nightmares."

"Nellie I know," Emily took the girl's hands in her own, "I know you've been having them. I see it in your eyes every morning. I don't want to pressure you, because I know that makes you shut down. But right now, I am so proud of you. I know how scary it is and I know how much courage it also took for you to come get me."

"I don't think it was courage," Nellie huffed, "It was fear."

"Still," Emily wiped away Nellie's tears, "You did something hard to do."

"I was just so scared," Nellie picked up crying, "Because I am scared if you see me lying over this then you will kick me out."

"Honey," Emily sighed, her brown eyes softening to meet Nellie's, "I would never, never do such a thing. I promise you."

Nellie's chest collapsed with sobs as she fell back into Emily's arms hearing those words. Emily held the girl tightly to her, rocking back and forth, humming a tune her grandfather used to calm her down when she was a child. Nellie wasn't sure why, but that was all she needed to hear at the moment, wrapping her arms tightly around the woman she trusted and clinging to her as her life depended on it - which it had.

"I just," Nellie got out words between hiccups of cries, "I just wanted to talk to you about it. Because I keep having such bad nightmares, and then other things keep happening. But every time I think I can, I just can't. And I just thought it would go away and it would get better, but it's only getting worse and I can't stop it. And it just got so bad. And that is why I was late home. And that is why I quickly go to bed. I just don't know what to do."

By this point, Nellie had pulled away and was half leaning against Emily, half against the backboard of the bed. Emily brushed Nellie's hair back and continued running her fingers through the messy blonde waves, knowing it always calmed the girl down in the past.

"I know you must have so many questions?" Emily agreed, "We haven't talked much about what happened, and that can be so difficult to navigate without knowing everything. We can talk whenever you want. We can talk in the morning. Or we can talk right now? Whatever you want."

Nellie nodded looking down at her hands twisting combinations of interlocking fingers.

"Where is my mom?" Nellie asked. "I don't remember what Maggie signed for me. I was so out of it. I don't know where she is. I don't want her missing."

Those words were not what Emily expected to hear in the moment and it stuck her heart in half.

"Your mom," Emily began, "She was to have a full autopsy and then be cremated. Her ashes were going to go to a columbarium in Rosehill Cemetery. Maggie thought it would be the best for you to have somewhere to visit."

"Okay," Nellie cried looking up at the ceiling, the light reflecting her tear stained cheeks, "God. Fucking damn it. It's just hitting me that she's dead. Like I know she is, but I went so many times without seeing her that part of me just still feels like it's that."

"That's so hard," Emily spoke from her own experience, "When my dad died, I felt that way. Even when I went to his funeral. It took months and me finally visiting his grave for it to hit. And it wasn't easy. It was a long process. It was lots of long conversations with him while sitting at his grave. It will be hard. But I am here to help you any step of the way. Whenever you want to visit you let me know."

"Okay," Nellie sniffled, "I am not ready yet."

"And that is completely fine," Emily cocked her head to the side seeing Nellie arch her brow.

"I think she would be okay with it," Nellie spoke, "Not knowing where she was has just been messing with me. Like her spirit can't rest in my head. I keep having these nightmares where she is calling out for me to help her or find her. And I just keep seeing her dead body. It's everywhere. But the worst one is when she's in the grave I had to dig. The one for me. I keep ending up there on top of her and covered in her blood."

Nellie let out an uncontrolled shake.

"Is that was happened tonight?" Emily asked rubbing Nellie's back.

"Mmmhmm," Nellie swallowed, "It was like I was reliving that night. And everywhere I looked I saw my dead mom. I kept running but wherever I turned she was there. Then I was in that shed and Matt and Gerald were just laughing at me and coming at me. I tried to get away but I fell into the grave and my mom was there and I was covered in her blood. I woke up, but I couldn't shake it and it was like all three of them were moving around me and I could hear them. They just wouldn't go away. I knew my eyes were open. Am I crazy?"

"You aren't crazy," Emily confirmed, "You have PTSD. You experienced something traumatic and it's causing your body and mind to do things to process it and relive it because it doesn't know what else to do. That doesn't make you crazy. It makes you perfectly normal."

"Really?" Nellie cried, wiping her tears and nose on her sleeve.

"Yes," Emily nodded, "It doesn't make it any bit easier to go through it but with time and the right tools it will become less and less."

"I can't do this forever," Nellie cried, the vulnerability that never showed, showing, "I can't. I'm so tired and scared all the time."

"Sweetheart," Emily pulled Nellie back into her arms, feeling Nellie trying to stop her crying by constructing her chest movements. "It's okay to keep crying. Keep talking. Whatever you need."

"They just did horrible things to me," Nellie cried, "And I keep seeing it in my dreams. I can still feel every single place where I was hit, kicked, thrown, burned. But I can't see the marks anymore so it doesn't feel like it is real and it's making the nightmares worse. I almost wished I still could feel and see everything because I keep reliving it. It was so bad and it's just as bad in my dreams. I just kept thinking each time he did something to me it would be the last because I would die. I didn't want it to happen, but I also had come to terms with it because I couldn't take what he was doing to me. He made me fight him. He kept showing me tools he could use to hurt me and describing what it would do. I saw all the blood on the walls and just knew it would be me next. I knew there were others. And when he made me dig my grave, it was less than two feet from the next one. All I could think about was that I was too scared to dig any further because I didn't want to accidentally get into another grave and see another dead body. I couldn't. I did want to see what I was going to become. I was so in and out of it that I wasn't sure what was real or not, but once you guys got me I knew it was all real. But because I was only with it half the time, I feel like in daytime I see half of it, and in the night I see the other half it."

"I'm so sorry, honey," Emily closed her eyes trying to stop herself from showing any tears, "It was so unfair to you to have any of that happen. Those dreams are so scary and difficult."

"Have you had them?" Nellie asked quietly.

"Yes," Emily stuttered. "Um, on many accounts."

"Do they go away?" Nellie asked.

"Most of the time," Emily didn't lie. "They at least become less frequent. Sometimes they go away from years and then you randomly get one."

"I want them to go away," Nellie whispered. "I want to talk more, but right now I think I am too tired."

"I want that for you too," Emily spoke feeling Nellie shift closer to her in her arms. "I'm so glad you told me what was going on inside your head. I know it wasn't easy and I'm proud of you for telling me. I'm so sorry."

Nellie nodded taking in the warmth and comfort Emily gave her in the moment. In the silence and dim light, Emily could still see stray tears running from Nellie's eyes and pressed a kiss to Nellie's forehead.

"Are you ready to try to go back to sleep?" Emily asked in a hushed tone.

"I'm terrified but I'm so tired," Nellie's voice cracked a little.

"Why don't you stay in here with me tonight?" Emily suggested.

Nellie shrugged. Inside Nellie's head wanted to say yes. Something told her she would sleep and not awake in panic if she was here. But she also didn't want to feel this attached or reliant on Emily for every single thing.

"Nellie," Emily saw the debate in the teen's eyes, "Would you feel safer sleeping here tonight?"

"Mmmhmm," Nellie nervously nodded.

"Okay, honey," Emily smiled wiping away Nellie's remaining tears. "Let's get you settled."

Emily pulled back the covers and patted the spot for Nellie to lie down. Slowly the teen did and instantly felt her body weighing deep down into the mattress, her muscles sinking like quick sand. Emily moved around to the other side of the bed sitting down and kissing Nellie's forehead once more before turning off the light and laying down. With the blankets over them, Nellie kept her eyes open until she felt Emily wrap a comforting arm around her. Nellie let the lump in her throat rise once more and she let out a single silent cry.

"Are you okay?" Emily asked.

"My mom," Nellie took in a deep breath, "She would hold me like this when I came home in between foster homes and was freaked out. It always made me feel safe."

"Well, I've got you," was all Emily could think of in the moment. "And I'll be here if you need anything."

"Thank you, Emily," Nellie whispered, "You always make me feel safe."

"Sleep well, sweet girl," Emily wished.

Taking a deep breath, Nellie closed her eyes and followed Emily's breathing. Emily listened keeping herself awake until she could feel Nellie drifting off before closing her own eyes to sleep. 

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Hellooooooo! Wrote a super long emotional chapter and it felt wrong to try to break it up into two parts! So here is one long chapter. I have covid so I'm gonna be writing a lot this week. I started writing this last time I had covid. Hope everyone is well and enjoys this update!

-B