Neon Walls

Yeah, I noticed.

It's been getting colder recently, which is welcome. The hours of outdoor training go by a lot faster without the summer heat beating down. With the typical workload on top of exams and missions, this marathon of a term has left no room for leisure. Every free moment Suguru gets is spent on sleep. 

Suguru’s hair has grown some, but not quite enough to tie up yet. In the meantime, Shoko was nice enough to donate some headbands for him to use during physical activity. He can’t say he loves the way it looks though. Every morning, he tries putting his hair up just in case it works. 

Now that December has arrived, it feels like every second is counting down to inevitable doom. They were given a random invitation to visit his hometown during the new year, and it’s been radio silence from his mother ever since. 

No matter how exhausted Suguru’s studies and training have kept him, that whole thing still keeps him up late. Spoils his appetite too. Going into a new situation completely blind is the perfect formula for that. It keeps him wound up nearly enough to snap in two.

There’s far too much uncertainty for Suguru to relax. His mother went out of her way to reach out first, which doesn’t happen. She wants him to visit home, which Suguru didn’t plan on doing. Most outrageous of all, she wants to meet his friends. All of it’s unprecedented, what is he supposed to do with that?

It’s not on purpose, but the added stress and lack of sleep has kept him more closed off than normal. His new normal, that is. Leaning on other people was never something he defaulted to. Outside support was never much of an option in the past. 

That trust is a recent development, and it’s an active choice every time. Suguru always has to talk himself into allowing them in, it hasn’t come naturally. Seeking attention, expressing a need, and feeling anything was always a risk at home. At best, it was met with an eye roll and hush money. 

Needing people is frightening. Even when Suguru objectively knows otherwise, his head is still flooded with the same old way of thinking he’s always had. They’re too kind to tell you to your face, you’re a burden, a pain in the ass. 

You were miserable at home, and you’re miserable here. It isn’t Mother and Father, it isn’t jujutsu society. 

The common denominator is you.

So much worry comes from reaching out that half of the time, it hardly feels worth it. From a young age, Suguru knew he could depend on himself. Putting on an award winning act with a perfect smile and polite tone is effortless after a lifetime of practice. That’s muscle memory, it’s easy. It’s also admittedly pretty sad. 

Emotional issues don’t feel too urgent when you spent your childhood up to the present killing monsters, followed by the sensation of swallowing shit rags whole. So when he dismisses his classmates, it doesn’t feel like a total lie. He’s alright, no big deal. Relatively speaking. 

A new part of Suguru’s daily routine has been going for runs before dawn, after inevitably becoming sick of trying to sleep. Every time he stupidly lets himself think that today’s the day, this will get him to sleep later for sure.