Scandinavian Heartstrings, in Drop D.

Chapter 7.3 Toki's demons

Toki let the water wash over him in the shower as he punched the tiled wall for the fifth time.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you..." Toki used this as a mantra as he punched the wall at half strength.

'That damn Swedish bastard!' Toki thought as he punched. 'You can't even hate-fuck the man, he makes you love him. It's all just a game to him. A fucking sport!'

"...I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you..."

'Even on the couch, that was only for himself.'

"...I hate you. I HATE you. I HATE you. I HATE you ..."

'He took advantage of you in the studio.'

"...I HATE you. I HATE you. I HATE you. I HATE you..."

'Like you just did to him.'

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

Toki held both fists against the wall as the water ran down through his hair. He watched it curl off the ends and away down the drain as his breathing became erratic and shallow.

That bastard. That fucking horrible, manipulative, arrogant, beautiful bastard. Why the fuck did Skwisgaar do this to him? He had picked him up from the depths of despair only to kick him back down into it. Is this what he got off on? Did it make him feel good to play the hero? Did he get a kick out of seeing poor little messed up Toki brought low by his own demons? The same way...he clenched his teeth and held his fingertips in the gap between the tiles...the same way he loved to see Skwisgaar brought low.

Toki slammed his back into the wall a few times before he slid down and sat, hunched over, on the floor of the shower. He put his head in his hands and watched the water trickle down and off his body.

What the fuck was wrong with him? None of this was right, none of these feelings were right. Skwisgaar was his bandmate, his house mate, not quite his countryman but damn close enough and his friend. Were they even friends? Where did that line blur? When did that line blur?

'Probably when he had his hand around your cock... or maybe when you had your mouth around his.'

"Fuuuuuucckkkk!" He scrunched up his fingers and pulled at his drenched hair.

He'd had the teachings of God beaten into him, literally beaten into him; 'Do not lay with a man as one lays with a woman...', 'Never shall the defilers enter the kingdom of Heaven...', 'Give up your guests, Lot, so that we may know them...' What had he done? He was no better than the wicked men of Sodom. He had ravaged an angel and now the vengeful hand of God would come and rain fire over Mordhaus. How could he have strayed so far from the path?

He laughed a desperate laugh to himself. Strayed so far? What about all the other shit he had done? He was in the biggest death metal band in the world, how could he stray much farther? Primarily since he no longer believed? Well, it looked like he had found a way. If his father weren't already dead, this would probably kill him.

He tugged at his hair harder. His father. His fucking father. Why did he have to have that motherfucker in his head that night on the couch? Why couldn't he have just been a little bit more drunk and not given a shit? Why the fuck did Skwisgaar have to make that smug fucking face at him?! Especially after... after being... after being so fucking good to him!

He leaned back and stared up at the shower head. Obligation. That was it, just obligation; Obligation to the band in conjunction with being a horn-dog. He didn't really give a fuck about him, all he cared about was his guitar, his music. Toki didn't even write anything so how could he think he was important to the band, to anyone? He wasn't a shining guitar god destined to walk this world with the light of a blazing star. Skwisgaar was right, how dare he try to play his music. Each note the man played rang out his life force, it was a vent for his boiling soul, his first and only love.