Chapter 120
Lisa
I swallow hard as if that will take me back in time, erase everything we've just said, and eradicate the pain that is poisonously coursing through my body - it's in my veins, it's in my cells, it's spreading like a disease, and the final solution is simply to die and let it go. Leo is still crying in his room, calling for me, waiting for me to console him, but I'm standing in the middle of the room, incapable of any movement. I just stand there, trying to breathe, but when I do, I end up gasping loudly for air.
Thinking that might help, I do it several times, but every time I'm simply proven wrong. The pain is like fire, it needs oxygen to burn, and when I breathe, I give it more fuel to slowly begin its assassination. My fists are clenched and my whole arms are shaking. My muscles are aching to the point that I could suffer serious injury, but I don't let go in hope to numb out the pain that's worse than any physical one.
When I release the tension, it feels like Atlas decided to put the burden of the world on my shoulders, and it nearly knocks me down, except that I don't have a single fucking idea how I'd ever get up from that. In that moment, I nearly completely crash down, but Leo continues to cry. He is screaming for his life even though Jennie... she has left half an hour ago. I'm gasping for air, all my insides are clenching, and when I lean down to get him from the crib, it feels like my spine will crash into itself, like I'm turning into a liquid.
I manage to cradle him in my arms, and I press him against my chest. He's crying unstoppably, inconsolably, and I can do nothing to fix it. I can't tell him it's all going to be okay. I can't tell him there's nothing for him to fear. I can't tell him that I'm here and that I got him. I can't tell him a single thing without breaking into pieces. I can't calm him down. I can't even calm myself down.
"Shhh... shhh..." That's the only thing I can utter without a trembling jaw and gritted teeth. It doesn't do shit for Leo. How could it... as I do it, even I find it disgusting like a despicable lie. Nothing is fine. Nothing is okay. Trying to soothe Leo is tearing me apart, while trying to hold my shit together after... everything... what am I gonna do... what can I even do... everything that was good in Leo's stay with me was Jennie. I can't do anything without fucking it up. I can't make it better for Leo, I can't talk to that one woman I want, and I can't even fucking speak.
"It-it's okay..." I manage to utter out. I sway him in my arms, I rock him from one side to another, but none of it works. I'm not fucking good at this. It's bad fucking enough if you have an accident and you get a baby, but I straight-up signed up for that shit and adopted him. All the books I've read on parenting and I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing. The longer he cries, the more I begin to realise I'm incompetent. Me by myself is hopeless and worthless - I can't even console my own baby, not without my... not without Jennie.
If I just imagine her name, I get spikes shoved in my stomach and in my lungs. Even as I think her name away, the pain still stays and it lingers, and that's when her words are brought back. No matter how hard I try to forget them, and forget her, it all keeps replaying before my eyes. Everything we've done in these few months, everything I wanted to do for her, all of my intentions, everything she was prepared to do for me, the entire journey that took for me to become completely enchanted with her, it's all there, like a movie in my head.
Meeting her in the store and having this need to talk to her; taking Leo out on a stroll together and she wiping my cheek; the delicious breakfasts and lunches she's made for me even though she never had to do any of it; the flowers I got her for her birthday even though I wasn't in any way obligated to do anything; introducing her to my family and seeing her accepted as one of the members; choosing my side upon hearing about everything that had happened with my mother, my father and my siblings; going to the ballet to see her dance and where I freaking met her family; all the nights we've spent together, either lustful or passionate and loving, it's all there, and every memory is enticing. Every single one is calling me to surrender myself to it, and whenever I try to, the harsh reality hits me like a train.
