Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt.10 : Hope

My breathing turned so slow these days.

Camille started forcing me to go outside and take walks and clear my mind everyday. I was oddly so calm; or rather- low energy, lately.

Every time I got home I would try to stay up and watch tv with Sera and Camille and eat dinner but as soon as my head hit the pillow, I passed out almost immediately.

My eyes were always so worn out and I noticed my heartbeat felt nonexistent. I hated waking up from a nap too because then it was dark and I was confused and I had no idea where anyone was or what happened while I was sleeping.

I assumed my tiredness was because my sleep schedule was off and my eating wasn't right. I wish I could just restart and get back to who I was a year ago. I WANT to feel alive but lately I'm too tired to even think.

"Kody! You're awake! It's almost 8pm, do you want some hot cocoa?", Camille called from the kitchen.

"oh.. no it's fine i'm okay." I replied.

I couldn't even see her properly; my eyes were still adjusting to the dim kitchen light.

After a while, Camille came to the couch and sat next to me. She turned on the tv and put on a nature documentary. She oddly watched these a lot...I don't know what she found so interesting.

"You should go to bed if you're not gonna wanna watch this with me kiddo", she spoke.

I looked at her. It's been a while since I made eye contact with her. I looked back at the tv and shifted in the couch to get comfier.

I never really tried to talk to Camille about what happened. I'm still as curious as ever but ever since the storm of shock and anger had passed, I decided now would be the time to ask at a more peaceful approach...

"camille...can i ask you something..", I struggled. My throat was already throbbing in pain. There was fear in talking to anyone after the incident . Lumine usually did all the talking.

Her head shot towards me; I probably startled her. She placed her cup down and lowered the TV volume down quickly.

"Yes, yes of course!" She turned to me.

I felt a little anxious but the room was dark and cool and the only thing I can hear was the low noise of birds chirping on the TV. 

"you work in the medical field right? do you... ever hear back from the families that lost someone?"

While I was grieving, I was curious. I wanted to know how everyone else went through it. What if I was being dramatic or stupid? What do people do and how would I ever get over this?

Camille gave a slight smile, then a serious look.

"Well of course. Working with magic especially, we hear a lot of backlash from families at first but they're just angry and confused. That's usually all we see but some families do come back when they've healed to give their thanks...it's a long process." She sighed.

"I know you're grieving too Kody. It's a tough time but lots of people go through it and come out of it as a new person."

But I don't want to be a new person. I want to be the kid I was barely becoming. I barely started smiling again because Lumine was with me and our lives were starting to get better. Until I was told that he was gone.

"I feel sick everyday." I whispered.

"Oh Kody, It's going to be like that until you're ready."

"I just wish he was still here."

"....So do I..."

It took me a second to respond. I was replaying memories from some months ago. Some dumb memories of Lumine trying my macarons for the first time and him knocking on my door only to see that we were both wearing the same uniform. I wish I appreciated him more then. I would have never known.

"i wish i had known sooner." I coughed.

"i wish i couldve gotten revenge on everyone who wronged him when i had the chance" My voice was cracking badly.

"i wish our lives were safer" My throat hurts

Camille put her hand on my shoulder and went silent. I muffled my hitched breathing into the blanket and they soon turned into painful hiccups. I felt embarrassed.

"There's a lot to wish for Kody. But you should be hoping. You should instead change your wishes into hopes. 'I hope Lumine is okay where he is right now. I hope we are safe' Look towards things you believe is possible Kody."

11:53pm. I'm laying in bed, ready to go to sleep. Camille helped me a lot and I'm very thankful for that moment. I know I lashed out at her before but for a stranger, she's a good guardian. She's helping me learn.

I hope Lumine comes back.