Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

23. Steady on your feet

Edwin ruminates on his crush and the charity event all week. He barely recognises himself, swinging between pining and jealousy and embarrassment. What was he thinking, trying to flirt back? He's awful at flirting. He never needed to flirt with Ellen, so he has thirty years of relationship experience and about one day of flirting practice. It's ridiculous. How is he ever supposed to ... to seduce someone, convince them he's worth something? How do people do this, if they're not already friends? He and Ellen had mutual friends confirming that yes, she's interested, and she asked him for a kiss. It couldn't have been easier. Even if Vincent wasn't ... Vincent, this would have been so much more complicated.

He tries very hard to be normal on his weekly run with Vincent, but it feels like he's navigating a minefield where he might betray his position with one wrong word, one look or gesture that Vincent will decipher, and then it's game over. Perhaps not that dramatic, but they will be back to the wrong type of tension. Vincent wouldn't want to lead him on, so he'd stop flirting, but it'd weigh on him. Edwin would have no choice but to avoid him, to get over his crush in quiet. But if he does that, he's not sure they can ever go back to the understanding they currently have. It's ridiculous. He's not a teenager, losing friendships over romances.

By the time New Year's Eve rolls around, he's nearly vibrating out of his skin. He needs people, and a good party. Luckily, Caroline has him covered. She has organised a New Year's party for years and Edwin used to attend with Ellen, when Sandra and Tamara were out with their own friends. This year, he's coming over early, mostly for the company but with the excuse to help. They move furniture to open up space in her apartment and find extra chairs and a few foldable cocktail tables. He has brought over half of the drinks and sets up the bottles on the balcony, where the night air will keep them cool.

She asks him about Vincent, but he doesn't tell her she was right about his crush. Not yet. He's not acting on it, so there will be enough time to ask for her best advice on rooting out unrequited crushes. When he told her about Vincent's apology and that Vincent will take him shopping, that only strengthened her belief that he has a chance, but Vincent is a good friend. He would apologise to his friends, not only to his crushes as some tit for tat. So he only tells her that he went to the charity meal and it was nice, he's going to help out again and doesn't she want to volunteer too sometime? He's sure she'll be able to help with something.

"I'll think about it," she promises. "How are your other crises?"

"I've been thinking."

"Dangerous."

Edwin huffs. He's been thinking about what he told Kamil, about what Leo told him, what Vincent told him. Why do other people's opinions matter? It could just be something for himself. Something only he knows, he and a trusted friend. As far as trusted friends go, only Ellen would come before Caroline, but this seems more like something Caroline will just go along with.

"I want to try something," he admits. His voice doesn't tremble. Neither do his hands. "Something other than the clothes." Because those will just be normal clothes. He won't let Vincent dress him in anything else.

Caroline perks up. "What do you want to try? Am I involved?"

"I hope so. I was thinking ... Nail polish is not a big deal. And if it was on my toes, nobody would see it or know it was there. It'd be just for me. To know how it feels."

"And you want me to paint your toenails?" Edwin nods. "What colour?"

"Uh, I don't know. Not too ... flashy?" Oh god, he didn't think this through. Colours?!

Caroline jumps up and strides to the hallway. "I'll just show you all my colours. Come on."

"What? Now?"