Sex With No Love-Jake webber x Johnnie guilbert

Like A Shank To The Heart.

"I love you jake."

"what?" Jake asked. " i love you. Like i have romantic feelings for you." Jake pushed me off him softly. "Im sorry johnnie i just dont feel-" "its okay it was stupid i dont know why i said that im sorry." I said,panicking. I pushed myself off him completely and just went back to my room as i began to break down into tears. Why the fuck did i think he would like me back? Why would i say that? What the fuck is wrong with me?! ill just tell him i didnt mean it, that i mixed up platonic and romantic feelings. I stared at the ceiling as jake banged on my door begging to let him in,that he was sorry. I get up and walk to my bathroom,im so fucking ugly how did someone like jake even have sex with me? Im getting fat.. i think to myself as i hold the skin on my stomach. 2 years,4 months,and 3 days clean. 0 years,0 months,and 0 days clean. I think to myself as i watch the blood run down my thighs and arms, 1 cut, 5 cuts, 10 cuts, 15 cuts. Why am i like this? Why cant i be fucking normal. Why couldnt i have had been born a girl? Maybe then jake wouldve loved me. I let out a hiss of pain as i cut myself two or three more times on my arms. theres no space on body without a cut at this point,my thighs are painted red,my arms are a murder scene. Maybe.. maybe this time I'll succeed. I bring the knife to my stomach,at this point im ready to just stab myself, but i drop the knife. I would do this for myself anyday,but i have to think of the people. Jake,my mom, tara,jc,everybody. I cant do that to them. I continue to cry as i get in the shower. I let the boiling water run the blood away,even though they never seem to stop bleeding. I get out and dry my body,the blood staining my towel. By now jake has stopped banging on my door,i hear his voice is cracked and raspy from screaming as he continues to beg quietly outside my door. I bandage my arms and thighs up,extra thick to avoid bleeding through. I unlock the door and just lay in bed. Jake bursted in and hugged me. "im sorry im sorry im Sorry.." jake apologized repeatedly as i laid limp in his arms. I cant hug him back,my body is sore. "No im sorry jake.. i mixed up romantic and platonic feelings... again." Its obviously a lie,i know deep inside i love jake. But his words stabbed me like a shank to the heart. Or in this case like a knife to my arms and thighs.. i hear jake let out a sigh. "I thought you mightve done something to yourself, why didnt you unlock the door?" "I just took a shower to think about my feelings. Sorry." "its okay just.. dont scare me like that."

'Dont hurt me like this then.'
I thought to myself. I know he can't control not having feelings for me, but i cant control having feelings for him. "sorry" "Dont apologize, just rest up, okay?" Jake said,ruffling my hair. I nodded and positioned myself just as i would if i were going to sleep. Jake left and i began to sob again. Maybe this is all just a bad dream and two years clean didnt get thrown away? Maybe.

Maybe its not.