Book: The first draft
By: @ineedsomesleeptoday
Review:
Your title is original and though your book cover is simple, I really loved it. It feels aesthetic, mysterious, nice. As for your blurb, yes you tried to give a quick summary of your story, but improve it. Introduce more about the characters. Give us their names, age, behavior... And instead of saying what does destiny store for them? Why not giving us a little spoiler of the beauty and maybe misfortune that will come their way?
In the prologue you and the whole story in general, you were fun of putting a space before putting your first word. If you don't understand what I mean I have an example;
" what if it's broken?..." Instead of that just beginning to write directly: "What if....". Again, in the prologue you wrote something like:
But Penny here on the other hand.... The 'here' shouldn't be included. Also, there was a part where you said;
Her black hair fell through side of her face. It was covering a potion of it...
Doesn't it sound like something is off? Why not say something like; Her black hair that was left to fall down covered half of her face.
In the first chapter and the very first paragraph you said: His annoyingly loving mother's voice.... And this was a habit he picked up lately. It meant either he was tired or...
There were a lot of sentences like that. If you go back and read it more like a reader and not like the author of the story, you will find a lot of places which needs editing not in the structure but more in the way you describe things and the way you use literature styles.
That aside, the rest of the story was good. There some funny scenes, some cute and others that will just make us roll our eyes and say 'yeah, cliche' (but not like it's a problem though). The interaction among characters is what I prefer on how fluent it is, but there is too much of dialogue in every chapter and less of monologue. Yes, monologue sounds cliche, but by that I mean you should talk more of the character's emotions detaily and improve your description of their actions.
In chapter two, you said Eleanor had a problem with her face and I immediately thought it concerns beauty untill you clarified it by talking of people thinking she was angry and that made me crack a smile because just there I saw myself in highschool when my teachers would tell me how I am always angry. That aside and the fact that my friends started calling me angry bird for two years, I really appreciate the confusion and humor your story held when Eleanor realisied who Nicole was indeed.
To conclude, apart the fact that you should polish your work I think your plot is good however try to finish your chapters with more cliffhanger.
