I Caused The War

Hello Earth

I immediately know it's Mount Everest because I can't see the ground.

 When you don't see the end of your fall, you tend to panic.

 I instinctively started screaming curses and just letting out shouts of fright. Stacy, apparently been in this situation before, moved calmly. 

She took out a square block of dried clay and tapped it. A hologram appeared and she shouted over my screaming, "Earth - Australia - Queensland - Shopping Centre!"

I only had a second to register the glowing brown portal underneath us before it sucked us up and we were standing in the middle of a brightly lit mall. People bustle about, unknown to the fact that two beings had just appeared out of thin air. 

I shook my head, "What the hell was that?"

Stacy casually put on some glasses she produced out of her pocket, "Another Portal Travel glitch. It always happens when I go to work or when I return from work." 

She raised her eyebrows at a memory, "Once, it decided to send me to Alpha Centauri B when I pulled the lever. Nice aliens but not particularly an oxygen planet so I had to ditch it before I died."

I shuddered, "How'd you get back?"

Stacy smiled proudly, fingering the block of dried clay, "I already told you guys 'bout the Portable Portals company. It's absolutely ingenious, designed for people who are on holidays at a planet which still hasn't made interstellar connections yet. It looks like any old block of clay so aliens who don't know about this advanced tech will never suspect a thing. But it can also be used for casual and faster travel when your planet's portals aren't working."

 She added, "Saved my life dozens of times when I ended up on non-oxygen supporting planets. Or in mistakes like the one we just experienced."

I nod, filing the information away in my brain and walking on in the shopping centre, "Let's take a look at Woolworths and Coles. There should be nothing wrong with it, just like your average Multiverse grocery store."

Stacy said darkly, "No, it's not at all."

I ignored her and entered Woolworths. Immediately, I headed to the bread section, "What I wouldn't give for a good loaf of Fingerbread by Bakertopia. Should be here somewhere, all good quality grocery stores have 'em."

Scanning the shelves of all types of bread, my heart sinks a little to find that not even Fingerbread by RaisinBake is there. 

When I see Stacy raising her eyebrows at me, I say nervously, "Let's go take a look at the sweets section, I'm not in the mood for Fingerbread and they should have some Milky Ways, at least."

When we find it, I search through the chocolates determinedly and is rewarded by a small section of Milky Way chocolate bars.

 I whoop, "Oh, yeah!"

Then, I tear off the wrapper then and there to taste it. My stomach drops as I realise the Milky Way wrapper doesn't project a hologram and the chocolate tastes like dust compared to the Killian ones.

"Hey! Thief!"

I look behind me to see a frightened young girl pointing at me for her grandma.

 I smile sweetly, "You've got it all wrong, dear. You see, every good supermarket lets their customers taste their food products. Besides, since I bit this, other people can get it for a discount, now. You'll get it, when you grow up."

Stacy talked over me, "Er, what my friend means is that she already bought the chocolate bar but she came back to buy something else and was eating it when she came back!"

The little girl stared with big eyes until her grandma scolded her and apologised to us. We smiled cheerfully until they left. "What?" I exclaimed, "You can't do taste-test?"

Stacy glared at me, "Steps, you were born an Earthling. You should know all this."

I retorted, "Look, Howlry, I haven't even seen my parents or Earth for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS."

Stacy Howlry backed down, "Fine. Whatever. We're here to inspect Earth so let's do that."

She turned and strutted off, auburn ponytail swishing from side to side. 

I grudgingly followed.

It didn't take long to scour all the features of Earth and find that it really was lacking some technological support. 

As we enter the elevator to get to the top level in order to find a better connection for the Portable Portal to open, I sulked, "I can't believe Earth hasn't made a connection to Mars! How could they not know about all the glorious, rich resources Mars could provide? Fingerbread by Bakertopia is the best Fingerbread I've ever tasted."

Stacy shrugged casually, "We don't even have the normal 'Fingerbread' here. It's probably because Fingerbread don't fly in our skies and even if they did, humans wouldn't waste time trying to catch them or to tear off their feathers one by one in order to stuff pillows."

I shudder, "You didn't have to go that deep. All I knew before you put a picture in my head was that Fingerbread is a sort of bread that has wings."

Stacy shook her head, "You really don't know your biology, Steps. Fingerbread are most common in the western skies of Mars near their central seas. It's a long, fat, bird-like chunk of bread. It has lots of feathers, making it different from bread and two wings. They used to be only caught by sailors who happened to come across a cluster of them migrating South. Until the old King tasted Fingerbread and liked it, immediately the prices offered for Fingerbread skyrocketed. Now expeditions are sent out especially in a movement to bring Fingerbread into the average supermarket."

I open my mouth to stop her from rambling on but she continues, "You know, when a Fingerbread is killed, it's feathers are plucked off and then sold to pillow-making companies and the bread is sold to large supermarkets or just average buyers of the street market."

"How do you know all this? I thought Earth didn't provide information on stuff like Fingerbread." I asked to get off the topic of plucking feathers from a bread bird.

The elevator went ding, startling me, "My! Killy never had it's elevators shout at us."

As we stepped out, I stared at Stacy, anticipating a answer but she only took out her brick of clay and opened the portal. I hurriedly followed her into the portal, not wanting to be left behind on a planet with no interstellar connections. This time we did not fall from the top of Mount Everest.