2 me's

Part 2 - 27th March 2024

8 o'clock in the morning and my secret is not so secret anymore.I am currently in registration in school writing this.My friend, let's call her Maggie, said she's read this.She was messing but I was terrified. After she saw how panicked I was she confessed and said she didn't read it. I believed her.

How do you know?

I know. I think. Although Maggie figured it out what's going on in my mind.. Not by reading this. She is a good friend. But a few weeks ago I told her I had an enemy she was thinking. . .alot. She told me she had the same problem. I was glad I was not alone. She said she could control it. Switch it off. But I couldn't. Why? It is my own brain. Why couldn't I shut down a part of me?

But day by day it is getting serious. I used to bite my nails. Still do. It is a sign of stress. I am doing it right now. I can't stop. After that whenever the other me was rude I used to say hurtful things to myself. . .

You'll never be as good as her. . .

You couldn't score higher in your test. The person next to you got higher and didn't study. . .

You are a failure. . .

You'll end up on the streets. . .

Day by day I am believing that. I never do well on tests. When I sit down to study. I always get distracted. I am in my own world. By the time I realise it is to late and I pass by a few marks

Look at your cousin, she is doing better than you. . .

The other me says. It is not just her, it is also my parents. My parents love me. The other me can never change that. They are just pushy. Like most parents, mine just want success and happiness for me. I am changing myself so I try not to get too distracted. I have found ways to make sure of that

The other me has scarred me many times. From the inside but now also the outside.Whenever I have said something rude or reckless. I instantly regret it.

Think how they feel.

I start punishing myself. Not by grounding myself. More like Dobby from Harry Potter. No, I do not wack myself with a lamp. I have made myself have MINOR bleeds a couple of times but other than that I am fine. You might call it self harm. You might say get help. But I say no. I don't NEED help. I will figure it. . .

Alone.