Eternal Sunshine

Chapter 2 - I've seen enough

I touched down in LA a few hours ago and I now sat cosy in a secluded cafe for lunch by myself deep into my thoughts about the countless occurrences in my life leading to this point.

I was not going to bring my family or friends into this mess with Dalton. I'm almost thirty and I needed to handle this myself without a third party.

They will know later on, I'm sure of it. I just have been working on keeping a lot to myself lately with everyone in general, including my fans.

They are a big part of my life and will always be, but I found a balance between that. They didn't need to know what I was dealing with and going through at every given moment.

That concept took me a while to work through and it was a conflicting feeling I have sat on for a few years.

I was so conformed to sharing so much with them that the boundaries started blurring with both my own personal life and the celebrity identity I created for the world to witness and judge.

I am my own person with a different life than everyone sees on instagram and twitter and social media wasn't helping— it was too much for my mental health.

I only can handle so much a day. It's too much for me to even grasp with all the therapy I've put myself in. I didn't want back-track because I've come way too far to ruin it.

I was done with a lot of old habits and cycles that I picked up over the years that I had noticed within myself.

Off days from filming were mostly self-care days working on my inner healing and breaking those habits for the last few months.

Not to mention, that I also had a business to run with r.e.m beauty simultaneously while filming.

I mainly wanted to be low-key today that I was instantly grateful earlier when I was greeted by the staff and ushered to a very secluded spot in the corner where no one could see me.

I place my elbow on the table, rest my head against my palm as I let out a sigh. I took a sip from the glass of white wine I had with my meal and noticed the darkened clouds that were looming over the city from the array of windows in this place.

In which, this made the city I've grown to love yet resent look gloomy.

Almost, as if it mirrored my current state of mind that lingered with worrying about the unknown and how today would unfold.

The only thought in my mind was getting to my house soon to reconcile matters with Dalton. There has been no communication from either of us in almost two days. No calls, texts, or face-times, it was odd for him especially.

He was the clingy and egocentric type but in a soft way which didn't surprise me when I researched his astrological birth chart. He was extremely private and came off to most as quite mysterious.

When he goes silent there's always a bigger issue at hand and it almost certainly pertains to longing or something that is boiling up to the surface.

He's a Leo sun—after all with my focus lately being on my spirituality, filming, and my business—the idea of him and everything around me was a lot easier to handle to an extent.

I could still feel the pressure of it all and knew there was someone somewhere complaining about what I am not doing instead of what I am doing.

I was sick of the constant backlash from everything I do, to what wear, how I look, who I'm seeing, and what I needed to do.

I honestly wished for an abundance of peace and prosperity every single day.

For instance, the reason I'm here in LA in the first place to figure out what the fuck is going on and what I don't know.