find me in nature

V - the wall outside

2023
Boston QZ

Joel had woken up not too long ago, the apartment filled with silence. Ellie and aurora had fallen asleep a few hours ago. it was now raining outside, I had been sitting there, playing with my knife for a while "she looks a lot like you" Joel comments, causing me to look up to him. I look to aurora for a second "yea, she does... has my attitude Aswell" I state, causing Joel to hum. 

he looks to her, clearly not liking her. "You don't have a bed in your apartment, you both sleep on the floor?" he asks. I shake my head and look back to my knife "no. aurora has a bed" I mention "and you don't?" he asks. if it wasn't from the pissed tone and the look on his face, you would almost think that he cared "I give what I have to her, I provide for her. that's what your meant to do." I answer, wanting to cut off the conversation. 

there is a long silence "Sarah died" he finally says. I nod, not sure what to say "I know... I found her file at work..." I reply. I was looking through the children's files at work one day, trying to find one for a patient that had been in the hospital for a while. I came across Sarah's, everything inside me telling me not to look, but knowing that my daughter had died hurt, and I had to. I didn't sleep for days after that. "Where you ever going to tell me, about aurora?" Joel asks, making me look up to him "I mean how long did you know, before the outbreak? where you ever going to tell me if any of this didn't happen!?" he shouts, keeping his voice low to not wake the kids. 

my eyes fill with guilt "I didn't know about her than, and of course I was going to tell you" I reply, honestly "so why didn't you now." he asks another question. I think for a moment, unsure what to reply as I look to aurora "she doesn't know. Joel what was I meant to do?" I question "tell me I had another fucking daughter. that would have been nice. I thought you had died, but no. your alive, with my daughter" he spits out, he was hurt, and you could tell "I thought I was too" I reply, hoping to ease the tension "but you're not." he replies back. I look down, nodding. 

to my luck, aurora sits up, rubbing her eyes "stop shouting, kids are sleeping. fucking hell" she says, turning to look at Joel and I. I look at her "sorry Rori" I say, to which she nods. Joel glaring at her and me. the anger from the conversation that we were having a minute ago evident. 

I roll my eyes at him, looking down to Ellie as she gets up and rubs her eyes, just like aurora did. almost as if they were sisters. I smile at the slight. Joel opens his mouth to talk, getting cut off by Tess walking through the door. announcing that we were leaving. I hated this woman, but she couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't know what Joel was going to say. and I didn't want to know either. 

Tess and Joel lead us through the city of Boston and a few lines of tunnels. something of which I had no idea about. Ellie and Aurora had been talking, getting along. which I was happy about, however I didn't like being at the back, alone with nothing but my thoughts, that had been spiraling ever since I met this stupid girl, watching the look that she has been giving my ex-husband. love. it was fucking love.

it hurt to watch, and I wanted nothing more than to go over there and ruin everything that they had. technically, Joel and I were still married, we never got a divorce, and I never died. so, we are technically still married. but I knew that neither of them would listen to that reasoning. 

I have no idea as to why I'm so hooked on the fact that my Joel was changed, and in love with someone else. when you spend twenty years thinking that you ex-wife is dead and also having to deal with the loss of your daughter, love is the one thing that you can turn to. although I could never say the same. I never liked any of the men in Boston, not that I ever gave any of them a chance anyway. maybe it was because I wanted the best for my daughter, and that meant staying with her and not leaving her for some random man on the street.