All of Us Are Going to Hell

SIXTEEN

24 Minutes Since the Arrival of Satan, 1 Hour, 13 Minutes into the End of the World
 

Deceit (English), noun: dishonest behaviour that is intended to make somebody believe something that is not true.
 

Sometimes, there are two sides to telling the truth.

    On one hand, the truth sets you free, lifting a weight from your shoulders you didn't even know was there, vindicating you and giving you a sense of peace and freedom. On the other, the truth cages you, binding you in shackles of memory and regret, pulling you into an ocean of pain and sorrow, like stones tied to your feet while you're in a river. You speak it, but it is still embedded within you and follows you like
an evil shadow.

    I wonder which side Jabari's seen when he finishes. Something dark crosses his face and under the light, his eyes shine. All of us are silent for a moment, the truth lingering like a scent in the air.

    “Jabari,” Iris finally says with a look that says more than words ever can. “What the fuck. Why?”

    “Hey," Elijah leaps to his defence. “None of you should judge him. Especially you, Iris. All of us are here to share and he just did. He admitted his mistake and told the truth.”

    Mark lets out a sound of shock. Lilith looks aghast, her mouth pressed in a tight line. Jabari can't meet my eyes. Why didn't he tell me? I knew something was wrong between them when Aaron came up to me to ask me if I'd seen him or heard anything. I never knew all this. If he had hidden all this, what makes me think he isn't hiding more secrets?

    Is our friendship built on lies?

    You're one to talk. I flinch and swallow the lump in my throat.

    “Holy shit,” Lilith says, with a dazed expression. “Jabari, Aaron wasn't out like you think he was. Sure, everyone suspected and all but he never actually told anyone. He got kicked off the Football team after that. He couldn't go literally anywhere without someone making a gay comment or—”

    And my supposed best friend snaps like a twig. “Don't you think I know that, Lilith? Don't you think I regret it? Every day since then, I think of what could have happened if I had just talked to him! I was hurt! I felt...used. In that moment, when I saw him and Ileana, he became every single boy who'd just screwed me over and I wanted all of them, wanted him to feel the way I felt. To hurt.” Tears spill down his face and he wipes them with a sleeve.

    Mark goes pale and looks at anywhere but Jabari's direction. He probably thinks no one saw him, but I did.

    Lilith's expression softens. Sympathy crosses her eyes. “Jabari, I—”

    “Who's next?” He raised the Talking Tong, cutting Lilith off. “Let's get this over with, please.”

    The last word felt like an actual plea. When he meets my eyes, his are full of shame. Oh, Jabari.

    “I am,” I say.

    Five pairs of eyes focus on me. Jabari passes the Tong across the room and I collect it, wrapping my hand around the gold.

    The truth will set you free, brains, Dad would say.

    One thing was: this truth would never set me free. It would follow me wherever I went, like a shadow I could never do away with.

    But I have hidden it for too long.

    Silence reigns in the room while I open my mouth to speak, willing my air to function and form the words.

    “Mark,” I say, turning to face him. He almost leaps out of his skin. “Lilith,” I continue. She raises her head. Iris curls a brow, like she can already tell what I'm going to say. “You know how I helped you and your friends with half the term's work last term?”

    They nodded.

    “It didn't come from me.”