||My Invisible Wound||

||Hurt||

     c h a p t e r | f o u r

     "What?" I asked, looking back at him after I wrote what was something new that I learned about him.

      "I think I now remember you . . ."

      I scoffed. It didn't really come as a surprise. I would've thought he would remember easily; it was like I was his best victim in middle school. But I didn't say anything—I waited to see what else he had to add to it.

      "I'm sorry for back then," he announced.

      I stared at him in confusion. He's apologizing?

      "I know what you expect of me; you believe I'm going to bully you like last time. But I've changed, Al—ysha." He paused and looked down in sympathy. It appeared as if he felt guilty for what he did. "I know what I did was wrong; bullying you like that? I knew it hurt you, but I didn't want to think that—"

      "How did you sleep through the night?" My heart was pumping so hard, it felt like it was about to come out of my chest. It was pounding against my ribcage. "Do you know what you put me through?"

      "I can't imagine—"

      "Of course you can't, Jake. Because you have no idea what I went through."

      "I'm sorry, okay?"

      "Sorry doesn't cut it." I paused for a moment. At first, I thought I was going to burst into tears like I probably would originally do. But I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and realized I needed to do it professionally, not like an amateur; I couldn't run away and push those issues to another time. I needed to face them. "It hurt, Jake. I cried for weeks. It made me shy and insecure and I almost committed suicide because of what happened."

      He sighed. I continued.

      "When Brandon screamed across the cafeteria that you hated me, I was shattered. Every particle within me was gone; they were all in billions and billions of pieces. I thought I was dead. I thought I had some heart attack and no one cared. Not even you. And that day that I saw you laugh at my apology note of not going to the movies, I was broken. I wanted nothing more than to stab myself over and over and over again.I wanted to rewind that day. Meeting you was my biggest regret that I ever made, a mistake. I thought you liked me . . . but now I see everything that you were—are."

      "Alysha . . ." he began.

      I turned around to see Mrs. Patterson. "May I use the restroom?" I didn't want to cry there. I had to hold it in, just a little longer.

      She nodded and I left.

      When I entered the bathroom, I checked if anyone was inside. No one. I went inside the handicap stall and sat on the floor, my back against the wall. Right then and there, I began to break down crying. Everything inside me hurt like I was being ripped apart. Every fiber within me was colliding, exploding, and tearing me away from reality. I was floating away in space; going deeper and deeper into the darkness, away from society, away from everyone. No sound around me. Nothing to be hurt about.

      At that moment, I was gone. I was away from life, away from society and everyone. I was away from Jake.

      I hated that feeling. I didn't like feeling so hurt, so helpless and hated. I hated feeling dejected. I hated being so alone and so far from everything else. But it felt right. I accepted that it wasn't right for me to have friends, to have a lover in my life, to be social, to be a normal person like others. I accepted that. I knew it wasn't for me. But I drifted too far away which made me hate myself.