||My Invisible Wound||

||The End of it All||

     c h a p t e r | e l e v e n

     "So would ya?" The voice snapped me out of my daze.

      "Huh? What?" I said, looking over to Elyes, Jake, and Evan—Jake's boyfriend. We were sitting at the lunch table; Elyes and I on one side, Jake and Evan on the other. I was too busy looking down at my food, having an empty stomach, but not feeling up to eating.

       Evan ate part of his corn dog, swallowed it, then cleared his throat. "As I was saying," he began. "Would ya like to come over to play some video games or maybe board games?"

      I shook my head. "I'm not—"

      "Oh come on, Aly!" cried Elyes. "Please? You need to get away from your house for a while and come hangout with us."

      "I don't—" I couldn't get the words out. They were stuck in my throat. I didn't want to be with the guys, mainly because I would just be moping around. I couldn't do that to them. They were trying to be nice tome, but I was breaking the ice around us. I was the one to drown; if they continued their kindness and made me do things that I didn't want to do, I would pull them down with me.

      It wasn't what I wanted. I liked having them around, but it felt like they were only with me because they felt bad. That, or maybe it was a bet? Maybe they were playing with my mind? Somewhere deep inside me, I knew Elyes wouldn't do that. He'd been my friend for four years and he has stuck around since then. This must be a long bet then, I thought. I mean, who would hang around you for four years?

      But why was I so paranoid?

      You just don't want to get hurt, the voice in my mind said. You're trying so hard to keep your heart locked inside a cage as walls will grow higher every time you push people away. You want to save yourself from pain; if you kept thinking the negative, your life wouldn't be as painful as it will be in the future.

      Agreed, I thought to myself.

      Most people would want positive outcomes from me, or to think about the positive side of life. But all I would give would be negatives. To them, I was pessimistic. But in all honesty, I was trying to be realistic. I would think of everything bad that would happen to any situation. Especially if it was about me. I would then think about the out come of what that situation would bring.

      If the boys were just around me because they felt bad, I would end up alone again. But if they were playing me? I would be humiliated. Broken. Even more depressed. I probably wouldn't be as depressed if they were feeling bad about me being my fat, ugly, and alone. But I would feel bittersweet about the circumstance.

      It took me a while to get an idea. To let the words flow out. "How about this Friday?" I said, looking up to the boys. "We can take a trip down to the beach?" It sounded fun and I was willing to do anything to get out of town.

      Elyes nodded. "Yeah, I could do that."

      "Not too bad,"Jake chimed in. "It'd be a lot better because we could stay later. Ha! Good choice, Aly!"

      I nodded, smiling. It felt good to be a part of a group of friends.

      "I like how you're sitting next to the gays . . ." I heard Paige's voice. "What, are you waving a colorful flag around too? Or are you a lesbian, Alysha? That wouldn't surprise me . . ." She sat next tome, on my left side. Her mouth was evilly moving upward as she knew she was getting under my skin.