93 Garmoyle Road, Liverpool
May 18, 1963
Cynthia*
She woke up before him that morning and watched him sleep for what seemed like hours. All of John’s belongings were now in London and he had brought only one small suitcase with him to her flat the night before. John was leaving Liverpool to permanently move into his new London flat this morning. She could only pray that they had made the right decision in going their separate ways.
She gently brushed his bangs aside and planted a soft kiss on his forehead before settling into his arms once more. “I’ll love you forever,” she whispered. She was young, still just 23 years old, and a little naive. It was the kind of promise you could only make to your first love.
“You really are a soft one Powell.” John’s eyes were still closed but a wide grin was spreading across his face.
“I thought you were asleep; don’t take the mickey!” Laughing now, she poked him in the ribs softly before kissing his lips.
“Mmm” he kissed her back, deepening it momentarily, “What am I gonna do without this, ey?”
“You’ll know where to find me…now shut your gob…” Cupping his cheeks in her hands she pulled him closer, giving him a long and passionate kiss.
John responded by cupping her bottom, “Yes Miss Powell…” he muttered between kisses, moving them down her neck.
“Haven’t you had enough?” She laughed. “We need to mind the time…the train…”
He layed back on his pillow with a great sigh, “Fuck the train Cyn. This is mad y’know.”
“You know we’re making the right decision luv…”
“No I bloody well don’t know that.” He was irritated now, sitting up against the headboard. “Just come with me Cyn.” He looked to her. “There’s enough room in the flat for the two of us.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
“John please…don’t do this now…we didn’t want to part ways like this remember?” She reached over and touched his hand, “Things are finally happening and this is your chance. If I came with you I’d only be tying you down…” She shook her head, “We barely see eachother now as it is…”
“This is bollocks. I don’t need this. ” Shutting down, he threw back the sheets and sat on the edge of the bed, turning his back to her. He began to pull up his trousers.
“You promised it wouldn’t be like this…” She felt tears begin to sting her eyes but quickly wiped them before he could see her crack. “I’m trying to do what’s best for you because I love you…”
“Y’know,” he turned to face her with anger in his eyes, “You are making the right decision. You want to know why? Because a Hoylake runt like yourself wouldn’t survive one day in a place like London.”
She knew he was hurt and probably thought by rejecting his offer that she was like everyone else in his life who had let him down. It still didn’t make his outbursts any less unpredictable or cruel. Only minutes before they were making the most of their last moments together; now, he was acid.
She moved across the bed to where he was sitting and wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her cheek against his back, “You need to relax. I know you don’t mean it.”
He didn’t say anything at first but reached up and put his hands over hers. He didn’t have to say he was sorry. She already knew he was. Sometimes her unconditional love was the only thing that could reach him. They were both content to sit there for a while longer, savoring the last few moments together in peace.
He kissed one of her hands and broke the silence. “I better get going luv.”
“Right, just em…give me a minute to shower and get dressed.”
He nodded, “I’ll meet you downstairs.” He stood up to pick up his shirt off her chair.
“Could you put the kettle on? We’ll have time for a cuppa if I hurry.”
“Sure luv…” John watched her as she wrapped herself up in her dressing gown and stopped her at the bedroom door. “I love you Cyn…I know I’m a right bastard but I really do love you alright?” It wasn’t exactly romantic, but it was genuine.
She kissed his lips softly, “I love you too.”
————————————————————————————————————————————
By the time she had showered and come downstairs, John was gone. She heard herself calling his name but knew he had already left. He hated goodbyes and perhaps she should have expected this, but they had just argued. Couldn’t he have stayed for breakfast? Couldn’t she have gone with him to the train station? She needed more time to make it right, to have the goodbye she had imagined.
But this wasn’t the movies, this was real life and as much as she loved him, John was no Prince Charming. Instead of getting upset she just smiled as a small white envelope with her name scribbled across the front caught her eye. She reached for the envelope sitting on the coffee table. She sat down on her sofa and began to read.
Dear Cyn,
I hope you’re not cross but I couldn’t bare it. You know I’m not very good at goodbyes. I’m sorry anyway - I really do love you Cyn - and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting the times I’ve mistreated you. You’ve put up with me for nearly five years and I still don’t know how you’ve managed it! I’d probably be locked up in a prison somewhere if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for teaching me how to be a proper man and to love unconditionally. You were always too good for me.
That’s probably you ringing now wondering why I haven’t arrived at your flat yet. Patience my sweet! I’m always late. Please use this money to get out of Liverpool - you’re too clever and beautiful to be stuck in this dump forever. Anyway I love you and the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do will be leaving you tomorrow. Whenever you are sad remember I am out there somewhere thinking of you and wondering what could have been. I love you Cyn and will miss you very much.
All my love forever and ever.
To Cyn
From John
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She held the letter to her heart, closing her eyes. Oh John. What have we just done?
