my heart is a black hole in which i fill with drugs, love, obsession, and delusions. a deadly combination. i constantly need to feed and it's never enough. all i want is love in this life it is the upmost important part of living to me. but somehow no matter how much i get it's never enough. i'm searching for that one person that could give me everything i desire, but they'll never come. lynn is the only person i want in this life. if i don't get to have my way with her then what does it even matter. there's something missing from my life and i don't know what it is. this is my journey of finding it.
part of living life as a schizophrenic is never having consistency. stability. you can never tell if everything is going up in flames or if everything is actually fine. that's where i come in. i'm always feeling so lost. i'm losing my identity from losing my mind so many times a day. i'm starting to forget who i really am and how i usually think and react to things. i'm changing again. and i don't want to change. i think too much. and i hate thinking. my mind is broken fragments of illusions and delusions. i have breakthroughs and i find the ray of sunshine through the darkness and find my footing but it never lasts. i rapidly change and go through phases and different eras of my life, faster then the average person because i have to relearn how to think regular thoughts every few months. i'm currently relearning as we speak. i don't remember how to act around people anymore. i don't act like i used to. i'm lost.
[who am i¿]
lately my mind has been so disconnected with reality that i don't know what i'm supposed to feel when something happens to me. good or bad. today i was told that i should relapse and there was a malfunction within me because i didn't know how to react. was i supposed to get upset and cry? was i supposed to get heated and fight? i felt disgusted with them. i was confused with myself. its currently 5:12am and i haven't slept. i guess i'd rather write. lately i've been preoccupied mentally and haven't really been "there" much at all. i haven't given much of myself to anyone. i don't think I'm in reality. and i long for a single hug from lynn that'll take all my worries away. but i don't know if i'll ever see her again. i guess the question is who do i really want to be? then i could work towards being that person, right?
deep in the cell of my heart i really want to go
i've been thinking about the girl i was when i was 17 and how badly i long for her. i wish i could've given her what she needed but she was on a one track trail to suicide. frequent 5150 holds, constant marks all over her body, her only friend was her razor blade and she only listened Louder Than Bombs by the smiths. She journaled and drew and hated everything about herself but it was the first time she felt like she was really living. and really loving. i always say i felt like my life really began when i met him. maximiliano. my beginning and my end. when he left me i died. and was reborn with suicidal tendencies but mainly extreme psychosis. it broke me, and it broke my mind. every ounce of pain i had in my body unleashed from my mind and broke it off to the hands of a demon. the building blocks that build ones reality came crashing down. he broke down the wall. to this day i'm on a mission to find my sanity again, but with his help. usually girls don't get to keep the one they really wanted, or the one that got away, but by the grace of god, or perhaps something darker, he proposed to me a few weeks ago.
