loml (Mikhaiah)

Empty Space

"I don't know, it's just too weird that they are pairing me with ate Aiah. Like, come on, I'm not even gay. It's just so awkward, and ugh!"

I heard you say, talking to someone on the phone. It hurts... so bad. I can't breathe, can't even swallow. The lump in my throat is hurting so bad that I can almost not hear a thing. So, I was assuming, after all? I read it your actions the wrong way?

I gave you my sincere intention, and how I treated you was always honest. Whether in front of the crowd or behind the stage. Hearing those words from you gives bile in my mouth that I am even disgusted with myself.

At the same time, it's perhaps my fault that I saw your actions in the wrong light. But I thought you were my friend. Do friends talk about their friends like that behind their backs? Because I wouldn't do this to any of my friends.

Perhaps I just came at the wrong time and did not hear the whole context. But what I heard was enough to break my heart.

I would usually confront people when things like this happen, but I refused to address this tonight because I might break down and ruin everything we had.

Yet, those words played in my mind every day, punching my stomach in the beat of my heart. I began to detach from you slowly. The interactions were limited unless needed, especially on stage when we needed to play pretend, something you seemed disgusted about.

"Ya, naa kay problema? Kapila na na nako mabantayan nga wa kayo ka sa mood," Colet asked. She noticed how I suddenly became withdrawn from the group.

Did you notice it, too?

"Wa, rani. Stress ra siguro tungod sa schedule," was the only alibi that I can give. Stress because of our schedules becoming hecting.

"Kilala ka nako, Ya. Di rana stress. Kahibaw ko naay gabother nimo. Naa ra ko diri." Oh, thank God for Colet who was sensitive enough to feel my energy. But I cannot tell her about this because she wouldn't understand.

So, every day, for months, I kept thinking. If everything did not mean anything to you, what was the meaning of those stolen moments behind the girls? Those electrifying touches, kisses? Was I just an experiment? Was I played? Or was I just delusional?

That is why I was so thankful that we no longer live together because I can't just be in the same space when it's just you and me. It's suffocating. You hurt me so bad without you knowing, Mikha. But I still have this endearment for you regardless.

"Mikhaiah! Mikhaiah! Mikhaiah!"

The crowd shouted their hearts out from minimal interaction from us—- we just stood beside each other! If they go crazy over us, imagine how my mind is spiraling right now because this is such an awkward situation. I want this to be done right away.

But I still gave my best smile, and you formed a heart sign for me to complete. Instead, I complimented it with a thumbs up, laughing the fakest laugh I have ever given.

All the while, my heart is breaking like your broken heart hand sign.

I remember how I walked so fast after that event. My pace is faster than my raging heartbeat. I want this day to be over with and just cry my heart out at home. I want to puke, hoping that all these bitter feelings will be flushed out from my system.

"Hey, Ate Aiah," you said in your most tender voice. I can hear a hint of longing. But maybe I'm wrong because it feels like I don't know you anymore.

"Ate Aiah!" You once again called. I heard you rush towards me, and suddenly, the wind blew a familiar perfume. You held my arm in the most gentle way I can remember.

"Are you okay? Did you feel awkward earlier? I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."

Wow. All these words coming from someone who spewed venom while describing her situation with me to whoever she is talking to over the phone.

"Don't worry, Mikha Lim. It wasn't awkward at all. Between the two of us, it wouldn't be me who would feel that way," I said with conviction as I faced you, looked directly into your treacherous eyes, and walked in another direction, not wanting to be in your presence for some time.