loml (Mikhaiah)

Urs (all the good nights, are they hidden goodbyes in disguise?)

It's been an incredibly hectic week, and BINI is growing more rapidly than we ever imagined. It's overwhelming, but in the best possible way. Yet, I find myself juggling my academic responsibilities and the demands of being an idol, which has doubled the pressure on me. That's why our rare free days are such precious gifts. Usually, Mikha and I would seize the chance to hang out, but this time, I decided to stay home and rest. I craved an adventure, but my body desperately needed a break.

As I was scrolling through Instagram, a pang of jealousy hit me like a dagger to the heart. There was Mikha, with Denise. I've tried not to be the jealous type, especially since Mikha and I don't have a label. She always insists she's straight, yet our connection is undeniably intimate. Seeing her with Denise was like salt in a wound I hadn't even realized was so deep.

I haven't even confronted Mikha about the situation with Gelo, and now this. I feel so lost and confused. Mikha and Denise are friends, I know that, and I can't stop her from forming connections. But the way they were acting, so suggestive and close, tore at something fragile inside me. I want to trust her, to believe in whatever undefined thing we have, but seeing them together felt like a betrayal. It left me feeling hollow, as if everything I had clung to was slipping through my fingers.

I stared at the screen, unable to tear my eyes away from their smiling faces. Each photo felt like a punch, each comment from Denise like another twist of the knife. Mikha looked so happy, and it should have made me happy too, but instead, I felt an ache deep in my chest. How could she be so carefree with someone else when I was here, drowning in my feelings for her?

Mikha is a party girl at heart. She loves the vibrant energy of bars and clubs, the thrill of the nightlife. I've always admired her ability to light up a room, to draw people in with her effortless charm. But I'm different. I find solace in nature, in the quiet serenity of a hiking trail or the rhythmic challenge of a workout. Our interests contrast sharply, and while it's something that usually complements us, in moments like these, it feels like a chasm.

I replayed every moment we had shared, every lingering touch, every whispered secret. I thought about the nights we stayed up talking until dawn, our hands brushing against each other in the dark. I thought about the times she looked at me like I was the only person in the world. Were those moments not as real for her as they were for me?

I know I shouldn't feel this way. Mikha is her own person, free to spend her time with whomever she chooses. But the jealousy gnawed at me, a relentless beast that wouldn't let go. I tried to tell myself that they're just friends, but my mind kept conjuring up worst-case scenarios. What if she found in Denise what she couldn't find in me? What if she realized that what we have is just a phase, something fleeting and insignificant?

The uncertainty is unbearable. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, terrified of what lies below but unable to step back. I don't know how to confront her, how to tell her about the storm raging inside me. What if it pushes her away? What if it makes things even worse?

For now, all I can do is watch from the sidelines, my heart breaking a little more with each passing moment. The jealousy, the confusion, the fear – it's all too much. And yet, despite everything, a part of me still hopes. Hopes that she'll see how much she means to me, hopes that she'll choose me. But for now, that hope feels as fragile as a whisper, easily drowned out by the overwhelming noise of my insecurities.

Two days later, we had a rehearsal, and the air was thick with the sound of our synchronized movements and the thumping bass of the music. Jhoanna was guiding us with her usual energy and precision, while Sheena demonstrated the moves flawlessly. Mikha was her usual bubbly self, completely oblivious to the turmoil inside me. She danced effortlessly, her laughter echoing through the studio, while I struggled to keep my focus.