Xalia Squalor; because sometimes being in is not enough

The apple fell so far off of the tree it became Olaf

I sit next to Olaf and stare at his troupe. He says, "Catchphrases are some of the most important things in life. I'm going to teach you to make some."
"It's really nice you're taking the time out of your day to do this for us," The hook handed man smiles. Olaf nods, and says, "I'm not just your boss anymore. I am your mentor. A catchphrase should be cool, and snappy, and you should be able to use it in any situation, like, It's my way or the freeway. Or, give me those earrings, rachel. And, it should be rooted in the truth which is why when I perform, I ignore the script and say whatever comes to mind. Fatherly. Daughters. Pyjama bottoms. Let's try."
"I'm in love with you."
"I'm in love with you more."
"I'm in love with your girlfriend."
"Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism the only way to survive in an ethically complex world, or is it an excuse we use to justify doing bad things?"
I turn to Olaf, and sigh, "So you have someone in love with you, someone who loves you even more, someone who is in love with your girlfriend and my mother, and someone who... has unresolved trauma?"

"Look what I found darling!" Mum practically floats over, wafting something. She continues, "A pack of strange green cigarettes."
Olaf looks over to where Sunny should be, and I sigh. She's run off again. I watch as he finds Sunny, and then begins talking, but he's out of earshot. The hench people all stare at me, and I say, "I'm Counties favourite person, and if any of you try beating me, I'll beat you. Literally. I've got brass knuckles. Mum taught me the snow scout pledge too. It's Snow scouts should be accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered—every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!"
"How can someone be xylophone?" The hench person of no immediate gender asks. I think for a second, before sighing, "I don't know. Why are mum and Olaf going into the tent?"
"So they aren't in the snow?" One of the twins suggests. I stare at them, before shrugging and walking off. The freaks were dropped off somewhere in the mountain, so I probably wont be seeing them any time soon. I stare at the hench people, who all split up, and groan, sinking onto the car bonnet. I don't know why we're doing this. We've already spent one night here, because Olaf decided to spend two days teaching us how to make silly little catch phrases. I truly don't care about catch phrases. Tell you what I do care about? Who Madame Lulu was before the school librarian. I mean, you can't be a school librarian, stuck in a jail, a 'volunteer' and a circus owner all at once. You might be able to. I actually haven't ever had a job. Also, what is VFD and why is everyone so against me knowing? I'm a good responsible girl. Sometimes. Breakfast was a mess, with mum not knowing you could eat 'raw toast'. Bread. Mum didn't think you could eat bread. I really worry about my genetics.

A voice makes me jump, as a woman asks, "Hello young lady, are you here with Olaf?"
"Countie?" I scoff, "Oh please, he's right over... who are you? And why do you want Olaf?"
It's a woman with hair and no beard, and a man with no hair but a beard. I stare at her as Olaf gasps, and he walks over to me. He grabs me off of the car bonnet, and says, "Mommy? Daddy?"
"These are your parents?" I gasp, "Hi! I'm-"
"Xalia May Squalor, Esme Squalors daughter," The man smiles slightly, turning to Olaf, "Tell us, what have you been doing with your life?"
Olaf mutters, "I'm an actor? This is my troupe, several carnival freaks are running round somewhere."
"Not anymore."
My jaw drops as Mum walks forwards. She extends her hands, and beams, "I'm Esme-"
"We know who you are," The woman says, "How are the Quagmires? You lost those triplets after we went to the lengths to keep their parents in Peru. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"It wasn't my fault!" Olaf snaps, "Can we not do this in front of my daughter? Actually, no, she can be here for this. I would be burning down VFD headquarters if these idiots hadn't decided to be lazy."
"We've saved you the trouble," The man smirks, "Who is this?"
I follow everyone's gazes to Sunny, and Olaf says, "You are going to love this. This little girl is the final Baudelaire. I'm going to get their fortune!"
"The Baudelaire fortune is small potatoes," The man rolls his eyes. I say, "I'm pretty sure it's money."
"I had an infant servant once before the schism," The woman glares at Sunny as I think out loud, "The schism was apparently a long time ago. That baby must be all grown up."
"Not necessarily."
"Oh..."

I watch as the man and woman spit at each other, talking, and I blink confused. The woman scoffs, "We did run into one of your old associates. The snicket girl."
"What did you do with her?" Olaf asks, "Actually, it might be a perfect time for my daughter to walk away."
I take a pack of gum out of Olaf's pocket, and take a piece as the woman asks, "Is she really yours?"
"My dad," I nod, "This is my dad. Truly."
The man asks, "What do you think of us two?"
"I think you probably have a very specific answer you want," I say suspiciously. The man smiles.
"You're a smart little girl," The woman says, "Smarter than Olaf was at your age. Do you want a job?"
"No. It'd ruin my nails, and I've got pretty nails," I shake my head. The woman wafts her hand, and I walk miserably to the tent. As miserably as I can anyway. I couldn't care less. Why? Because those people are going to like me now.