My Heart Out

02. That "Bad Vibez" Guy.

I fancied a guy in my school days. But I couldn't work on that little crush of mine because of many reasons- I was shy, I had problems expressing myself, that boy's religion, his best friend had a big crush on me about which everyone in the school knew, etc and etc.

One of the biggest reasons was, I feel was- he noticed me but never looked at me, if that makes any sense. Whether it was because he was loyal to his friend or he really didn't care, I have no clue. But whenever in the basement, while getting into a bus, I used to get an unsettling vibe which that time, I called, 'Bad Vibez' and that ultimately in my friend circle became his name. I wasn't that well-versed with the world of auras and vibes during those days so I couldn't help but dwell into and try to decipher it. But I was unsuccessful.

There was something untouchable and dangerous about him which made me go mad, not the madness of love but the madness of overthinking and curiosity to name that feeling. Whenever our eyes met, it either said, 'I know you very well, even more than you know yourself.' or 'I hate you with all of my heart, mind and soul.' Whatever the case was, I could see fire in his eyes. He was a quiet child but in the moment of heat, I could see him becoming rebellious and hitting the system with a whip. Or have I seen him doing that and that's why I formed this sentence? I have no conscious memory of that.

It's embarrassing to say this, but I never noticed him prior to 10th std. Every person in that school has been attending since nursery. Any new kid who comes, everyone would know about it. My batch wasn't a small one, in fact, a very big one but still everyone knew everyone's tales. I never saw him before but my subconscious mind stated that "he has been in my school since the very beginning, you are just noticing him right now in very weird circumstances."

I forgot about him after my graduation as I went into a different school for 11th and 12th but sometimes whenever my brain reminded me of him, all I could say is, 'Bad Vibes'. My friends still call him 'That Bad Vibez Guy'. They forgot his real name.

Why did I suddenly get reminded of him? Recently, I joined bumble with encouragement from one of my friends. My heart dropped and leaped back, like never before, when I saw his photo on that site. And that was the moment, I knew that there were some feelings from the past lingering. I was scared to swipe right on him so I swiped left on him.Yet, his profile became my app's secret homepage, location preferences bent to fate for a glimpse, a reread, a silent yearning for a bond which could have a reality today.

Just in 4 days, I deleted bumble because I love old-school, meet-cute, friends to lovers romance tropes and dating apps are exhausting. For me, I knew it's not a space but I did it because I was done feeling lonely.

I again, forgot about him as my exams started, but then when they ended, I came across his social media handle which made me revisit those suppressed feelings. That's when the rains of regret of not swiping right drenched me. Call me crazy or obsessed or lunatic, I downloaded bumble again just to right swiped him.

There were many questions- What if he found someone? What if he didn't recognise me? What if he is just like those boys on bumble who in just 5 minutes of conversation ask, 'What's your body count?' or 'My place or yours', not caring whether you are comfortable or not?

Whatever questions my mind created, I kept it aside for a while and did what I was doing thinking how in his prompt he clearly stated he wants a relationship and how all his sentences were genuine. But unfortunately, his profile was nowhere to be found. I searched for 2 days but then, I gave up and deleted the app.

I so wanted to tell someone about my obsession and one day, the opportunity presented itself in the form of a videography gig. I and one of my classmates from college got selected for it. But when we went there, it got cancelled. We had nothing to do and certainly we didn't want to go back home. So we found a nearby McD and sat there for 5 hours straight.

That's when I told her about this guys and she encouraged me to follow him on Insta. I did and he followed me back. That was literally one of the good and happy days.

But I am still scared and haven't made a move yet.

About the vibe, am I successful now? No, I am not. That vibe, I still couldn't name or describe it.