Best Life

Chapter 29

Katie

Well the dreaded day has finally come. I stare up at the blank white ceiling of my room searching for any worthwhile reason to leave my bed. The weight of feelings seem to press down painfully on my chest and none of those feelings are good. Hurt.
Anger.
Sadness.
Despair.

One drunk driver.
Four lives lost.
One survivor.
The girl.
The fucking girl.

I can't let her control my feelings today, of all days. I won't fucking let her. I grit my teeth and clench my jaw harshly and will away any anger she inevitably rouses in me. Not today. I hope to be able to remember happier times. I'll always feel the sadness but I also have beautiful memories of mum and dad, the way they loved me and Lizzy, the way they loved each other. I just keep those memories locked away most of the time. They are so precious to me, that I don't have it in me to share them with anyone except my sister. That's what I want today. Just to survive the ache in my chest with the only family I have left.

I let the hot water of the shower warm my body as I run my hands over the ink that covers my skin. I kiss my finger and touch each of my beautiful yellow roses in turn, whispering that I miss them and love them with all my heart. The tears spill over but I hardly notice with the shower washing away my lonely grief.

I can tell the day is bright and the sun is shining outside but I want the blinds closed. It feels more appropriate to be in semi-darkness, moving in the shadows of the apartment. I can hide away from the world for a day.

Lizzy wanders over about lunchtime and once the door is shut and she drops her bags, we fall into each other's arms and just hold each other in a knowing silence. She starts to run her hands soothingly down my hair and shoulders, quietly telling me that she's here for me and she loves me. I try and say something reassuring in reply to her but my clenching fists gripping the back of her shirt is enough for her to know how much I love and appreciate her. I just can't get any words out. She knows. She always knows.

My phone chimes with an incoming message but I ignore it for now. I've been doing that for the last little while. Ignoring anything outside the four walls of my place or work. I just don't have the energy. I don't know how to explain myself so I just locked myself away for a bit. To get through it my own way.

I know if I asked him, Adam would be here in less than a heartbeat. He'd take one look at my red eyes and puffy face and wrap those big fucking arms of his around me. Encasing me in a cocoon of warmth. Smashing away any god awful thoughts that fester in my brain. He'd tenderly brush my hair away from my face and look down at me with that mesmerising smile that I am more and more comfortable getting lost in. Just him looking at me the way he does, I know it would help me chase away the pain. Nothing would ever chase away the sadness but the exhausting anger I feel would somehow feel a little less overwhelming.
But I don't call him.
Or text him.
Or talk to him.
Or reply to his numerous messages.

I've taken the deliberate steps to shut him out of this day which is such a devastating drain, but still a part of my life. I don't want him to be dragged down into this cycle that I am barely able to heave myself through. I wonder if he'll wait for me when I come out the other side. Tomorrow.
Or the day after that.
Or next week.
Who the fuck knows?

Lizzy and I watch a movie or two, wrapped up in fuzzy blankets on my couch, eating snacks and other shit. I'm not really watching but it's comforting that she's close. Our legs touching. Our hands occasionally reaching out for one another. She carefully asks if I'll go to the cemetery but I wipe away another tear and shake my head. She doesn't push. She accepts that it's something I can't bring myself to do. If I'm really being honest about it, I don't think mum and dad would be all that happy about how I'm handling the grief. Too angry. At a girl I've never met. About a situation she couldn't control. About her life that fucking frustrates me that I can't validate as being what I think it should be.

Lizzy leaves mid afternoon and I can finally crack open my favourite red bottle of whiskey. I sip away over the next few hours keeping myself comfortably numb. The television flickers away but I don't care to really watch it. Trapped inside my head, watching the vision of that terrible night that changed our lives forever. Some hours later, I stumble my way to bed with swirling drunken dizziness and an empty stomach, thankfully slipping into a deep sleep with no dreams.

I don't hear the quiet knock on the front door. I don't hear my phone chime with another message telling me he misses me. I don't know that he spends an hour waiting for my reply, sitting on the ground with his back resting against my door, his head in his hands.

I don't see the single yellow rose he leaves behind.

For me.