the return

Chapter 1

When I was around the age of six, my family and I lived at my grandmas house. It wasn't a farm or anything like that, but a regular suburban house. It had a huge backyard, with a beautiful climbing tree that my grandpa warned me about; he said if I climb it, I'll break a bone. There was also a bush in the yard that blocked the view of the canal. 

One morning, while I was playing in the yard I noticed a mother bird building a nest. She'd collect twigs and moss, and in less than a week, there was a fully made nest. She eventually laid three eggs. I was very excited to see the process of the baby birds growing up. Unfortunately, one of the eggs fell out of the nest. I didn't cry, but felt a sense of sadness for the mother. 

In a little less than two weeks, two naked baby birds were hatched. Even in their shameless nakedness, they were adorable. I'd watch the mother bring her children food. Until one day, I noticed there was only one baby left. Again, I hadn't cried but was deeply sadden and prayed for the last one to survive. In less than a week, the remaining baby was tangled up in branches like a sailor's knot on a sail boat. I couldn't help but cry. It's one of my first memories of losing something I loved. And even though I didn't personally give birth to the eggs, I still felt a deep connection. My mother tried to comfort me. She and I made a drawing of the bird family. It's a bittersweet thought to have. 

My six year old self would never understand the pain that would eventually come in her later years of life. Losing not only family but friends. Friends you told your secret to. Friends you'd make hilarious jokes with in the middle of the night. Friends you promised would be your bridesmaid and maid of honor.

Even as I am now turning twenty, it's still hard to accept that fact I've lost one of my closest friends. The one  I thought I'd have forever. I remember being fifteen, stalking people on their socials. It's all fun and games until you see your ex-friend with a boyfriend, happily hugging him, wrapping her beautiful, soft, and comforting arms around his torso. You don't know if you're sad because you're lonely or because she's didn't tell you. "You two haven't talked in three years so why would she tell you?" is what I'd question myself for nearly a month after seeing the photo. 

But I'm twenty now, and I've been going to college for a little more than a year. Its the college I've always hoped of being accepted into. In highschool, I'd given it my everything. I did my best in athletic competitions, I did my best to get high grades, and I did my best to be the nicest, most helpful student to my peers. I was even musically talented. And fortunately, it paid off. I was offered a scholarship, which was my biggest goal. 

Even with all my success, there's still a gut-wrenching feeling that keeps me lingering at night. A 'what if' scenario replaying in my head, always. "What if I didn't send that text? " "what if I tried harder?" "what if I didn't focus so much on myself and grades?" They all keep me up. The voices in my head can't seem to stop all these anxious thoughts. The truth of the matter is that I probably shouldn't have sent that text, I should've tried harder and thought more of others. But I couldn't, and I didn't, and ended up losing my closest friend. 

It's one of those nights were I get these reoccurring thoughts, so I end up putting earbuds in and blasting some random Ross Lynch or Taylor Swift song. I tend to try and distract myself from thinking too hard. Blasting of music usually helps, but tonight it isn't working. It could be the fact I'm only playing sad songs tonight or the fact I feel homesick or the fact I've been stalking her instagram. "He liked it and put a ring on it 💍," read the caption of her latest post. She looks pulchritudinous. And he looks delightfully happy. And I'm about to ball my eyes out. They look jubilant together. They're the perfect match. The perfect height for each other. Everything about them is so picture perfect. 

I can't stand to look at them, so I slowly turn my phone off. The music shuts off, the brightest turns to darkness, their happiness is now my sadness. Maybe I'll feel better if I just sleep.