𝓡𝓸𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓢𝓱𝓮𝓵𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭 (𝓡𝓸𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓢𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓑𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓞𝓷𝓮)

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓢𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓕𝓲𝓿𝓮

My bed is cold.

                                                   *****

I don't know how I could've been so stupid.

I should've known.

                                                      *****

My pillow is becoming too wet to sleep with. 

                                                       *****

Jessie came up to check on me today. She gave me a new pillow. 

                                                      *****

I forced myself to take a bath. I had to wash the scent of him off of me somehow. 

Ninny tried to talk to me, and get me to eat something with him. I ignored him.

                                                     *****

What even is today? Time is foreign up here in this cold nothingness. 

My breathing has become more shallow recently.

                                                     *****

I jump awake. My chest heaves up and down while my legs are numb against my sheets.

It was just a nightmare. It was just a nightmare.

I let out a few rushed breaths, and put a hand on my chest. My other hand pushes the stray strands of hair away from my heated face.

I allow myself to breathe and look around. It has to be around two in the morning with how everyone is sound asleep.

I turn back over on my side and face the wall. I bring my knees up to my chest, and uncontrollably shake.

I shake my head a few times as my lip quivers. Tears start flowing down my face. The salty nature of them burns down on my lips. I didn't know two eyes could possibly cry so much.

It's all my fault. 

I was the one who was so stupid. The signs were all there. I was just so stupid and naive to see any of them. 

I was blinded by the thoughts of some weird girlish fantasy coming true for me. I allowed myself to fall under his grasp, under him. I allowed myself to be played like a fool.

I'm so stupid.

What is Mother gonna say about all of this? 

Actually, I know what she'd say. She'd be so focused that I was kissed by the prince of Alumbridge over everything else. She'd be so focused on the fact that I "made him fall in love with me" which could all be a total lie.

Was any of it true? 

Was it real?

Caroline would think the same. She'd probably bully me for letting it all go away, for letting what could've been all the power in the world just slip away from my fingertips. She'd berate me for not playing the game well.

She'd want me to be queen. She would call me the stupidest person alive for letting something like that go.

I shake my head and rub the tears from my cheeks. I could never do that. I could never be queen.

I don't even wanna be.

I don't even wanna be near him.

I can't wait till this stupid academy is over. Then, I don't have to see his face again. 

The more I see him, the more I'm reminded of a lot of things. Mainly the blood that he's caused from all of those people. Were they out of duty? Pleasure? A sick need to satisfy his ego? 

But I also see all of the tears I've let out since the entire thing happened. How many times I puked into a bag that Jessie left tied up here. I see all of the things that he's done for me, but in the end, it was all for something other than what I viewed as affection.

Everything he's ever told me, who knows if it was anywhere near the truth? He told me he was abused... but was that a lie? 

Was all of it a lie?