Behind Bars

Death and Forgiveness

She moves from her seat, dropping the tissues in the bin and leaning against the sink.

"The following week I tried visiting her after school each day but she was never home. Always off somewhere being a help to someone.
And a phone call in my opinion was insufficient  for such matter.
The only place I knew I'd never miss her was church and to say it was the most awkward moment of my life would be an understatement.
She'd always invited me to church and I always declined her offers.
Imagine being in an alien environment with everyone smiling, looking carefree and you so tensed as if you sneaked out to a party without your strict parent's permission but every form of tension disappeared the moment Sierra took the stage for a song.
Up on the stage,she looked so carefree as if she felt so deeply in her heart that everything, everyone and even herself could fade away but in that moment, she felt the most alive she'd ever felt.
Cancer was gradually weakening her but right there,she looked like she could contest for strongest person in the world".

A smile radiates her face when she turns to face me after drying her hands with a paper towel.

"There is a feeling that stirs up in me seeing strength ignite in a place where it is least expected and I think in that very moment was where I began to believe God could actually exist.
Having strength in chaos; that's a rare thing few possess.
We made up after the service and we had a chat. She told me she didn't want to die because she believed she could do a lot for God's ministry but if He had brought her to that point rather than take her life when she was a baby like the doctors had diagnosed, she was grateful and she trusted in Him.

Arial let out an amused chuckle.

"Do you know what I thought of my best friend at that moment?
Delusional.
She was straight up delusional but I dared not say anything.
The next week after a class,I was called to the office and told Sierra died in her sleep the previous night"

"Until now,I can't explain how devastated I felt. I mourned her for the year that followed by going to church. In my personal lens,I went because I wanted to visit her.
Strangely, that's where I felt closest to her.
She sought peace there and I sought her there.
Soon after,a strange sense of peace fell on me anytime I went to church,then that was followed by curiosity before I  accepted Christ into my life".

A beat of pause followed her words.

"Accepting Christ was the first step on my path to forgiving my mum but I didn't know it then. The more I got to know Him,the more the hardness in my heart against forgiving my mum wore down and the rest became beautiful history".

"This smile,the words slip out before I can stop myself
always used to appear on my grandma's face during Sunday service while my brother and I–"

She raises a brow at me when I stop and I look away.

"Don't you think you could have forgiven your mum even without having God help you?"

She doesn't question my change of subject which I'm grateful for.
"Maybe,but I also believe everything works according to God's purposes and if God had to be in the equation to make sure it happened, I'm glad He did"

"So, what about Sierra? Do you think her death was also according to God's plans?"

She nods and before I can wipe the expression from my face,she notices it.

"That look is the same look I gave Arial when she told me she trusted God whilst with cancer",she says amidst giggles.

"What look?",I feign ignorance.

"The one where you think I'm delusional"

"Well, it's good you found something that gave you peace but I'm sure you think of her always. Don't you wish she was still here?
Don't you think God could have done something to prevent her death?"

"I wish above everything she could be here and I believe God could have prevented it. Sometimes,I ask Him why He didn't and I receive nothing but only to trust in Him. Like my pastor says,if people will mock you for blindly trusting something, that something or in this case that someone should be God. Maybe, it's because I will never understand even if he hurls the answer to my face or maybe, it's because it had to happen –everything had to in order to bring me to this place of surrender but whatever the answer is, Sierra believed that her cancer wasn't about her. It was for those around her. That her story might be an example,is an example to everyone who heard it to learn to be strong and to trust Job as God did"

"There was a quote my English teacher once said and which has stuck to me all this time.
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us, influencing whether we rise from the ashes or sink into darkness." "

                        
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Two updates in a day,thank you!
Short chapter but the next one is longer

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