YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ thirty.

—beomgyu

I want to tell you something a bit about myself, Yeonjun, before you decide whether or not you want to handle this wreckage of a person that I am. You've seen the best of me, so it's only fair that you see the worst of me too before you vow that you'll stay by my side forever.

Would you be able to believe how sad I was if I chose to show you myself without filters, all in front of you as Choi Beomgyu without any disguise to cover me up? I need to give you a warning beforehand.

There was a time in my life where I was not all smiles and sunshine as I display to you right now. A time where the only thought that would run through my head throughout the day was, "Ah, I wonder how good it would feel to not be living anymore."

There was a time where my only goal when I woke up with an aching mind was to get through the day unharmed. I got used to hardening my heart, Yeonjun, because I was scared that history might repeat itself and I'll end up getting hurt by the people I love once again.

I already had my own mother do that to me, and I was so scared that you'd do the same too. It gave me panic attacks every night, I'd wake up with a feverish heart and a sweaty forehead.

My subconscious mind never succumbs to stop tormenting me. I meet my worst fears every night in my dreams.

I have nightmares where you turn out to be the bad guy controlling every misfortune in my life, that you've been feeding my friends lies about me behind my back. I'm scared to think that it might become true one day, as much as I know how unlikely it is.

I know you hate it when I say cheesy stuff, but I can't help myself so forgive me for saying this, but you taught me how to truly live again.

This change you've seen in me in the past 3 years is all because of you. Without you, I don't know what would have happened. It's amazing how an angel can convince you that you're an angel yourself. I don't know how you did it or what kind of strange power you possess, but you succeeded in turning me into a completely different, bettered version of myself.

And saying that I owe you the world for that is an understatement.

But on the other side of the coin, I'm saddened to say that nowadays you're seeing that bettered version of myself go down the drain like he never existed.

I know you've noticed. I've seen your gaze stick incumbent upon me longer than you stare at the others. I've seen how you make up every silly little excuse so you can follow me around as my 'bodyguard' just to make sure I don't harm myself or that someone else harms me.

I've seen you getting a few extra moments with me every breaktime to assure me that you're here for me, even it's in the form of tough love.

I'm falling down again, I'm breaking apart. The colorful lens I used to see the world through is fading into a film of black and white- monochromatic nature at its best. Every smile I give is getting harder for me to uphold every single day.

I'm a ticking time bomb at this point. I think someday sooner or later, I might just explode.

The only motivation I have to get out of my bed in the mornings... is you. So please don't disappear from my life, Yeonjun. Where will I ever find an angel like you on this earth?

Don't leave me behind in this race of a life that everyone's convinced us we'll be remembered as failures if we happen to lose.

Please don't leave me behind, Yeonjun...

...This is my last request of you.