The air is cold, the sky is dark and the rain pours heavily touching the ground. Naglalakad ako under the rain and walang exact destination. I'm going where my feet takes me.
Every step I take feels like a ton of metal weighing on my body. I started to realise how cruel this world is. I always seek peace and happiness but everytime na malapit ko ng makuha yun, I always ended up crying or heartbroken.
Why can't I be just happy?
Why do I need to suffer?
Hindi naman ako masamang tao para danasin to.
"Maloi please.. listen to me." Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. I turn around to face the only woman who can be my happiness and heartbreak.
"It's raining Stacey, go back inside. Magkakasakit ka." I tried not to sound too sad. I tried not to sound like I'm hurting.
"Don't be like this. Stop being nice for once, Maloi! Saktan mo ako! Sampalin mo ako! Don't pretend na hindi ka nasasaktan!" I can see frustration and pain in her eyes. Guilt lace in her voice but I know she's hurting.
"You know I can't do that. Hindi ko kayang magalit sayo. I told you before, kung saan ka masaya, I will support you. If sa kanya ka masaya, sino ba naman ako para ipagkait sayo yun." I bitterly stated. My heart is breaking into thousands pieces each word I stated.
Lumapit sakin Stacey and I stood my ground. Hindi ako naglakad palayo. She placed her hand on my cheeks and wiped off my tears. "Hate me please.. kahit minsan lang Loi, think about yourself." Umiiyak na pagmamakaawa ni Stacey.
I took a few step back before telling her what I feel. Para ito narin yung maging closure namin.
"The first time we've met, I was a messed. Kagagaling ko lang from heartbreak then I saw you sa bar drowning yourself sa alcohol. Hindi kita kilala that time pero isa lang pumasok sa isipan ko.. I want to keep you safe. We became friends and I thought hindi ko na kayang magmahal pa ulit pero you prove me wrong. You helped me recover, you made me smile and took my pain away. You made me believe in love again..."
She's only looking at me habang nagsasalita ako.
"You made me the happiest girl nung sinagot mo ako. You made me feel special and deserving sa lahat ng masasayang bagay sa mundo to the point na kahit alam kong sobra na tuloy lang ako. Sobra kitang minahal Stacey, minahal kita to the point na hindi ko na nakikita yung sarili ko sa iba. Minahal kita to the point na I'm willing to sacrifice myself just to make you happy. You made me feel contented. Akala ko deserve kong maging masaya pero hindi pala.."
"You deserve na maging masaya Maloi--" Stacey cut off pero I cut her sentence too.
"Then why the fuck nasasaktan ako?!" I shouted in pain. She opens her mouth parang may gustong sabihin pero no word came out from her mouth.
"If I deserve to be happy bakit lagi na lang akong malungkot? Bakit lagi na lang akong nagsasabi na okay ako kahit na hindi? Bakit nagawa mo akong lokohin Stacey? Bakit mo ako binuo tapos dudurugin mo lang pala ulit?"
Tears won't stop from coming. My heart is aching and my whole body felt numb because of this excruciating situation I'm in.
"Ganun ba ako kadaling lokohin? Lahat na lang ba ng tao na mamahalin ko lolokohin lang ako? Why do you have to cheat on me knowing na yun yung biggest fear ko?" I'm sobbing while looking at her. I know she's hurting too.
"I'm sorry.." She whispered enough for me to hear.
"Iniisip ko, tinatanong ko sa sarili ko bakit ko to nararanasan? Am I not enough? Am I replaceable? Hindi ba ako kamahal-mahal?" I stated between my sob.
"You are enough, hindi ka kapalit-palit and you deserve love, true love. You also deserve someone na hindi gago na katulad ko. I never meant to break your heart. I loved you Maloi, I really do."
"Loved? Heh. Past tense. Tell me Stacey, do you love her? Do you love Jhoana?" I managed to made my voice clear and managed not calm myself.
She nod her head as an answer and that adds up to my pain. I slowly walk towards her and hold both of her hands.
"I love you Stacey, I will always love you. You're my greatest love and my favourite. Kahit ang sakit sakit mo, you're still my favourite. Please be happy with her. Don't make the same mistake that you did to me. Don't worry about me, I'll do my best to move on. Take care of yourself. I love you so much but I'm letting you go so you can be happy. You'll always have special place in my heart."
"Will I be able to see you or contact you again?" She softly asked between her cries.
"Let me heal first Stacey. Don't try to contact me or look for me. I need to fix myself first. I need to mend my broken heart. I'm tired Stacey, let me rest." Sabi ko and gave her a peck on her lips before leaving her.
When I know na malayo na ako kay Stacey, I fell down dahil kanina pa nanghihina yung tuhod ko. Hindi ko na pinigilan pa yung iyak at sakit nararamdaman ko.
"Ang sakit.. sobrang sakit.." i clutch my shirt habang hinahampas yung dibdib ko para sana maibsan yung kirot ng puso ko pero walang nangyari. Masakit parin.
"Maloi.." tumingin ako sa nagsalita. It's Mikha holding an umbrella pananggala namin sa ulan. She bent down to level me.
"Make.. it.. stop.. Mikha.. ang s-sakit ng p-puso ko. Ayoko ko na masaktan pa ulit Mikha.. ayaw ko na.. may mali ba sakin? Ang sakit na sobra.." I'm out of breath but I can't stop myself from crying. I'm in agony and I don't know how to stop it.
"Just cry it out Maloi, Aiah is on her way and we'll get you out of here. I promise, it'll get better. You will be happy again." Hindi ko na naiintindihan yung ibang sinabi ni Mikha because I passed out.
*******
"How are you feeling?" Tanong sakin ni ate Aiah. I found myself sa kuwarto ko dito sa bahay namin sa Batangas.
"Not fine." Matamlay kong sagot then hindi ko napigilan yung sarili ko na umiyak ulit dahil naalala ko na naman ang lahat.
"We're here for you Maloi. We're going to help you to achieve the happiness you deserve." Sabi ni ate Aiah while soothing my back to calm me.
"I don't want to be happy anymore. I've learnt that happiness comes with a price. Sawang-sawa na ako sa price na yan.. sakit at luha lang ang bigay sakin. One more heartbreak and I'm gonna loose it. So no, I don't want to be happy anymore."
